Julie Zuckman: ‘To each her own way of handling personal history’

Like roughly 25% of women/child bearers, I have also experienced pregnancy loss. It’s great that for women who were counseled or expected to suppress their grief, an organization exists to help them.

Personally I didn’t/don’t need or want public or group support, then or now, 30-plus years later. Miscarriages like mine, early to midpoint in the first trimester, don’t seem even remotely comparable to late term miscarriage or stillbirth loss. At the time, older relatives briefly shared their experiences of early miscarriages with me — in particular I remember my aunt and mother-in-law comforting me. That was sufficient, and valued.

I write this to point out that no one should feel uncomfortable if they prefer their privacy and have no desire to fundraise, run, meet or bond over pregnancy loss. So often in our sincere effort to acknowledge losses, we create a new problem of prescribing how one is supposed to feel. It reminds me a lot of adoption where the adult adoptee is supposed to need and want a reunion with birth relatives, a normative narrative constantly pressed in the media, factual and fictive. In fact many adult adoptees do not want this, and are then told they are “in denial of their truth.”

To each her own way of handling personal history — no shoulds or oughts.

Julie Zuckman

Florence