Columnist Bill Newman: DONALD J. TRUMP’S LETTER TO ME !!!!

Published: 11/1/2019 5:37:35 PM
Modified: 11/1/2019 5:37:21 PM

First, many thanks to the postal service employees who daily deliver our mail at home. That said, I must make clear to them and you that a recent piece of mail addressed to me with the return address in large letters “DONALD J. TRUMP” and underneath his name “PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES” is not my fault.

Frankly, I didn’t even want to touch the envelope, so for days it lay in paper purgatory on a counter. But then curiosity got the better of me.

Where the date normally goes, the letter says instead, “Wednesday, 10:37 PM.” (Kind of a weird time to be writing me a letter, don’t you think?) The PM is in large caps. Generally an a.m. or p.m. — in lower case letters with a period in between — is the preferred way to express the time. But let’s give Trump credit for at long last saying something that is not clearly wrong, deceitful or a lie. And for being able to tell time — at least on a digital clock.

While momentarily pausing on punctuation, let me share that Trump, for him, exhibited amazing restraint in this letter — a mere five exclamation points (!) in the first six sentences!! They are: “I need you to respond to me right away! . . . Ever since (the 2018 election), the Pelosi Democrats have . . . and pushed their ultra-Liberal agenda to the max! The fact is, the Big Government Socialist platform they’re fighting to implement could erase all the gains America has made over the past two-and a half-years — and then some! . . . “Make no mistake: most — if not all — Democrats in Congress (are) ramping up witch hunt investigations to hinder my administration from doing our job!!”

At the top of the letter above the greeting, “Dear Fellow American,” it says without punctuation, “VICTORY SURVEY ENCLOSED/PLEASE RETURN WITHIN 48 HOURS.”

At the beginning of the letter itself, Trump! Wrote!, “I put THREE LIVE POSTAGE STAMPS (all caps, all underlined) on the enclosed Rush Return Envelope (first letter caps) because I had to get your immediate attention ...”, which, I hereby confess, it did.

I conducted a close inspection of the three live postage stamps — none appeared to be conscious or breathing. Then, I Googled “live postage stamp.” (A live postage stamp is a real stamp as opposed to a postage meter stamp. Maybe everyone else knows that?)

On the envelope I found three 1-cent stamps. One-cent stamps!

Donald Trump claimed that he is worth $10 billion dollars. OK, that’s a lie. He’s a failed business person whose businesses often have ended in bankruptcy. Still, because of his $400 million inheritance, he has plenty of money to live in a golden bubble. And all he can do is send me three 1-cent stamps?

The letter continues with the declaration that he has faced a “new, grim reality in Washington that started the moment Democrats ‘seized’ (emphasis mine) control of the U.S. House . . . .” Wow. He sees an election not predetermined by his party’s massive voter suppression efforts, which include purging of voter rolls and eliminating polling places in underserved and minority communities, gerrymandering, his propaganda and Vladimir Putin’s interference — that is to say he views democracy in America — as dangerous, as a seizure of power, as a coup d’état. The president is even more depraved and dangerous than I had thought.

The letter, after trumpeting his alleged accomplishments, then asks me to fill out a survey. But that’s not all! It continues, “While your survey answers are critically important, your personal support of the Trump Make America Great Again Committee (TMAGAC) is equally essential!” He then adds, “I am asking for “$2,020, $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, or $35 today.” (The letter later exhorts me if I can’t afford these amounts, to mail him $15 to cover the cost(?)(!) — he alleges — of having my survey counted!!)

You may remember Trump’s promise to self-fund his campaign. That was approximately 13,000 verified lies ago. He then urges me (TWICE!!) to “use the post-paid TRIPLE STAMPED Rush Return Envelope” to send back my “Victory Survey.”

The so-called survey is one of those stupid push polls with questions such as, “Do you support President Trump’s tough negotiations with China and North Korea?” (No place to respond, you mean the ones he’s completely screwed up?) “Are you proud of the Republicans [sic] Party’s efforts to rewrite the tax code to make it easier to understand and allow workers to keep more of their hard-earned paychecks?” (Note to letter writers — Your question would have been far more accurate if you had substituted billionaires and corporations for workers.) “Should the U.S. stop dangerous caravans at the border and prevent mass illegal immigration?” (Did you mean to ask me about how you’ve been heartlessly and unnecessarily locking children in cages and ripping them away from their parents as families seek to escape unspeakable violence?)

The survey asked 17 questions. (Please insert air quotes around all the words in that last sentence except “The” and “17.”) There is one question I wish that the survey had asked: Do you have any idea how in God’s name you got on this mailing list?

P.S. In the place for comments on my survey, I wrote, “I HAVE INCLUDED THE MOST FANTASTIC STUPENDOUS GREATEST MOST FABULOUS ARTICLE EVER WRITTEN!!!!!” — this one.

Bill Newman lives in Northampton. His column is published the first Saturday of the month.

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