Dear Waldo,

I just saw the cutest video ever on Facebook. Some little kid just learning to walk sees a cricket on the kitchen floor. The little guy waves and waves and says again and again, “Hi hi hi I am Otto how you hi hi hi I am Otto how you?” I’m telling you Waldo, I teared up. My question is, what makes some people so kind and other people so unkind?

Signed,

Everyone

Dear Everyone,

I’m sorry to say I have nothing but sputtering, incoherent answers to your important question. And so I’ve gone outside and I am lying face down in my yard, inhaling deeply the fragrance of the earth, hoping the universe might see that I am trying hard to be at one with it. And now I’ve gone back inside to blow the bits of leaves and dirt out of my sinuses into a tissue and I’ve had a thought: What if we use Otto as our guinea pig? It’s clear that he’s a terrific representative of kindness, as are, in my opinion, all new living things. And so let’s run a few hypothetical experiments on this sweet boy Otto and see if we can learn something, shall we?

Ok. Let’s give Otto two sets of hypothetical parents. Let’s call one set the Happy-To-Be-Parents Parents, or the H2BP’s. Let’s call the other set the This-Parenting-Thing-Sucks Parents, or the TPTS’s.

Experiment One. Sweet baby Otto is waving to that cricket on the kitchen floor. Let’s have his imaginary H2BP parents join Otto in waving. Let’s have them name the cricket Jiminy. Let’s have them go outside and set Jiminy free. Bye bye Jiminy. Bye bye.

Now let’s have Otto’s imaginary TPTS parents see Otto talking to some bug in the kitchen. Let’s have them crush the bug with the heel of a shoe before leaving Otto with the baby-sitter. Let’s have Otto watch the baby-sitter wipe up the bug with a paper towel.

Experiment Two: Let’s make Otto eleven. Let’s have Otto bring home a new friend Arthur to meet his imaginary H2BP parents. Arthur is small for his age. Arthur is shy. When Arthur is asked questions he answers looking down. But when you laugh, Arthur looks you in the eye and laughs too. Arthur says yes please and no thank you. Arthur says he really likes your house. Also, Arthur stutters and there is something about his upper lip that is not right and his clothes are old and baggy and not clean and so kids at school make fun of him. Later, when Arthur leaves, let’s have Otto say, “Isn’t Arthur nice?” Let’s have Otto’s parents say, “Oh yes he is. You have made a lovely new friend Otto. We are so proud of you.”

Now let’s have Otto bring Arthur home to meet his imaginary TPTS parents. Later, when Arthur leaves, let’s have Otto ask again, “Isn’t Arthur nice?” Let’s have Otto’s parents look at each other. Let’s have them say, “How would you like to be that poor runt?”

Experiment Three: Let’s have Otto be 18. Let’s have Otto crying in bed. Let’s have his H2BP parents sit beside him and say, “What honey. What.” Let’s have Otto say, “I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.” Let’s have his parents just hold him and stroke him and make quiet noises until Otto stops crying and takes a deep shaky breath before falling asleep.

Eighteen year old Otto is crying in bed. His TPTS parents stand over him, looking down. Let’s have them say, “Now what?” Otto says, “I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.” Let’s have his parents say, “We’re tired of this Otto. You’re no longer a baby. Grow up.” Then let’s have them walk out of the room and close the door hard.

Everyone, I know you get the picture. If you want your kid to be kind, be kind. If you want your kid to be unkind, be unkind. Here’s a handy rule: There are no shortcuts to kindness. It’s the pleasures of kindness that pay off when practiced daily.

However, if it’s a nightmare you want your kid to become, good news! There are plenty of time-tested shortcuts: Hit your kid a lot. Call your kid stupid a lot. Make fun of the way your kid looks. Make a big fuss over other kids who are whatever your kid is not. When cornered, scream about all those sacrifices you have made for this thankless loser you’ve unleashed into the universe. Choose one! Choose all!

Everyone, I would love for you to do me a favor. There’s this guy DJ I worry about. I never knew him. DJ was a little boy when I was a little boy. I’m asking you to write to DJ – his real name is Donald. What if you said something like this: “Hey. We’ve never met but we both used to be little kids. I’m so sorry for all those nasty, confusing things that must have happened to you all the time again and again while you were growing up. May I make a suggestion? Take a rest. If you take a rest it would be great for everyone. You’ve done plenty. It’s not your fault, really, when you think about it. It’s not your fault you’re so damaged. I mean, it wasn’t you who killed Jiminy, right? And so why not just sit in the sun DJ, and relax. Why run for president? Why not just work on your tan?

Your Fan,

Waldo Mellon

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