As time goes by in a relationship, and partners get to know each other more, there will be inevitable hurts, disappointments and upsets. This is what happens when we share our life with another human being. We each come from our own backgrounds, experiences, personality, preferences, emotional wounds and communication style. Navigating the inevitable challenges that come up due to the differences between us needs to be done with care and skill.

Since the problems that surface in relationships often involve anger at one another, I wanted to offer a way to manage anger that serves to keep partners close and connected, which truly is possible. I am also including an idea that keeps partners close that has to do with affirming and appreciating each other on a daily basis.

When things go awry, we often express our upset feelings to our partner in ways that don’t feel loving to them. I have found that many couples need help with finding a way to communicate better when flooded with negative emotions, especially anger. When we feel anger, it might be hard to control what comes out of our mouth. We react by saying things we may regret later. We criticize our partner, saying something like: “You are so selfish!” The verbal exchange between us inevitably goes downhill and devolves into unkind words and a harsh tone on both sides. Arguments and fights result, and the bond between us frays. So, what’s the answer?

We can be loving and kind in our communication even when we are feeling angry. You might be wondering how this can be possible, especially when anger seems to kick loving feelings to the curb. Can’t we just be angry and tell our partner exactly how we feel? After all, we need to let them know that something they said or did is not okay.

Yes, we need to tell our partner how we feel — and that what they did or said did not land well for us. However, we need to avoid getting carried away with our anger. We often don’t feel in control of ourselves when we are angry, as it has a way of taking us over. When there is yelling, and hurtful words are said, defenses build up on both sides, and we aren’t really listening to each other. Expressing anger in these ways might serve as a momentary release and give us a temporary sense of power, but sadly, tremendous damage is left in its wake.

Instead of reacting with anger by yelling, criticizing or even withdrawing altogether, try these steps:

The rule of thumb here is to avoid interacting when in a heightened state of anger. It’s not about denying feeling angry, but to get it under control first. Take a break and step away. Take some deep breaths. Take a walk. Write out your feelings just for you to see. Wait until you are ready to engage again. Do whatever helps you be calmer. Before taking a break, say to your partner: “I need a few minutes alone right now” and take some time to tune into what is really going on inside of you. Ask yourself: “What are the other feelings that are underneath my anger? Am I feeling hurt? Sad? Lonely? Blind-sided? Misunderstood? Disrespected?”

Letting your partner know you have been feeling angry is fine, but it is most important to talk about your more vulnerable feelings, which are always at the root of anger. For example, we may feel angry because we feel hurt, insecure, frustrated, fearful, or jealous. The point here is that instead of letting anger blast off and control what you do or say, it is most helpful to express the vulnerable feelings underneath, as hard as they may be to reveal to someone else. Contrary to what many people believe, when we express our vulnerability, we get our partner’s attention much more easily; we will be listened to much more seriously; we will be able to stay engaged with each other (instead of one or both escalating and storming out).

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You have something important you want to tell your partner. They are not listening well and constantly interrupt you to tell you what they want to say. In response, you start feeling really angry.

Despite feeling like lashing out, you instead take a break (Step 1). You might need just a few minutes, a few hours, or longer. Once you are feeling calm, you go back to your partner and say (Step 2): “When I was telling you something important earlier, you kept interrupting me and talking about yourself. I found myself feeling really angry. I realized that underneath my anger, I feel really hurt. I need to believe that what I have to say matters to you.”

Click here to read my column about anger, from Feb. 3, 2023.