Only Human with Joan Axelrod-Contrada: Loving the ‘sing’ in single

Joan Axelrod-Contrada

Joan Axelrod-Contrada CONTRIBUTED

By JOAN AXELROD-CONTRADA

For the Gazette 

Published: 12-07-2023 3:58 PM

Want a rousing anthem for all the uncoupled people of the world?

Look no further than the infectiously catchy tune “Single” by British singer-songwriter Natasha Bedingfield. In the song, the narrator issues her own declaration of independence. Just because others think she should have a romantic partner doesn’t mean that’s right for her. She has no need for another half to make her whole. She’s just fine on her own, thank you very much.

It’s a sentiment I’ve embraced fiercely during both before and after my long, happy marriage to Fred. Although dating as a widow has brought me many rewards, I decided to take a break after ending a situationship with a guy I’ll call the Overcaffeinated Buddhist.

During my hiatus from dating, I read an eye-opening book called “Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After” by sociologist Bella DePaulo. In it, she debunks the myth that singles are lonely, miserable people who have no one and are destined to die alone.

Research shows that single women, in particular, create active networks for themselves to live rich and fulfilling lives. Of course, men can too, but women often have an edge when it comes to developing close friendships.

Between divorce, marrying later, and losing a spouse, many of us spend much of our lives single. Still, society hasn’t caught up to this reality.

We hold on to those fairy tales that teach us that people who get married live happily ever after. The old stories teach us that romantic love is everything. But what about our needs for autonomy, mastery, purpose and meaning? Aren’t those important too?

In retrospect, I was guilty of something that DePaulo categorizes as “singleism.” Over the years, Fred and I thought nothing of asking our single friends and family members, “So are you seeing anyone?”

Now I know better than to blurt out words that tacitly assume that happiness depends on having a romantic partner. Certainly, my Auntie Delly enjoyed a rich and full life despite living in an era that categorized single women like her as “old maids” or “spinsters.”

Questions like “do you have a family?” presume that only people with spouses or children qualify. Why not substitute the phone companies’ inquiry of “Who’s in your network?” This broader approach takes into account all the people who’ve worked hard to develop support systems that are voluntary, rather than obligatory in nature.

Similarly, why not treat friends and relatives who’ve shelled out big bucks for destination weddings and such to their own time in the sun? Maybe couples can shower their single counterparts with attention and gifts for milestones such as birthdays, job promotions, and new pets. Just a thought.

That’s not to say that romantic partnerships shouldn’t be valued. I’ve had some of the most sparking moments of my life with either Fred or a significant other. In “Single,” the narrator leaves the door open for falling in love. However, expecting a special someone to be our everything can set ourselves up for bitterness and disappointment.

As much as I loved being married, I see, in retrospect, that I bought into the mythology of too many pop songs, TV shows, and Hollywood movies proclaiming that Marriage Is Best. It’s time for those old fairy tales to give way to new stories that explore the personal growth, creativity and expansiveness that can come from riding solo.

Yes, losing Fred to a devastating disease felt like plummeting into the dark sea on a sinking ship in the middle of a brutal storm. However, I’ve since learned to embrace the joys of steering my own lifeboat. Freedom. Solitude. And the joys of luxuriating in my own quirks, which, of course, might be annoying to everyone but me.

Besides, the new trend of Living Apart Together (LAT) offers us the prospects of intimacy without the inevitable aggravations that come from cohabitation. If, for whatever reason, LAT relationships should elude us, we can always count on our pets for that much-needed cuddle.

Like the narrator in “Single,” I haven’t ruled out the possibility of romance. Still, I’ve come to embrace the sing in being single.

So I offer myself up as Exhibit A of Happily Single and invite you to join me in honoring singledom as a choice to be respected and valued no matter what our relationship status. Who, after all, doesn’t want to be more accepting and inclusive?

Joan Axelrod-Contrada is a writer who lives in Florence and is working on a collection of essays, “Rock On: A Baby Boomer’s Playlist for Life after Loss.” Reach her at joanaxelrodcontrada@gmail.com.