By calling in several favors and surreptitiously maneuvering behind the scenes, I undertook a highly perilous operation in which I endeavored to investigate a serious threat to human life as we know it today.

By doing so, and by publicizing my discoveries, I am putting my own life at risk for the greater good of our civilization, but alas I’m just that kind of a guy. After long and careful deliberation (including an extended discussion with my dog) I feel that shedding light on the information which I was able to obtain from this mission is important enough to take this mortal risk.

Along with careful planning, a great deal of luck, and, it must be said — the absence of firearms — I was able to sneak into the 37th (that’s right, 37th) annual secret Conference on Artificial Intelligence held this year in an underground bunker at Mar-a-Lago. The featured speaker was none other than Mr. Aye Eye himself, and the focus of his presentation was a report card of the successes and failures of the various subdivisions regarding the ultimate aim: to seize and control human thought.

There were scores of poorly disguised AI bots throughout the venue, but this humanoid of average intelligence (on a good day) successfully “outsmarted” the AI security team. My aim was to learn and disseminate what this group was planning for the future of us poor DNA-constructed beings in order to save the human race.

I felt I was replaying the role of Kevin McCarthy in the 1956 film, “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” where Pods from outer space enveloped and possessed humans and transformed them into emotionless zombies. (The 1956 version is far superior to the 1978 remake.) At the end of the film, McCarthy is desperately running from the invaders to warn what’s left of the human race of its impending doom screaming, “HELP. STOP. YOU’RE IN DANGER. LISTEN TO ME.”

I am presently in the convention hall and will endeavor to jot down notes of the proceedings unobserved. In the unfortunate event of being detected, I will try to escape. I will also email my findings to the highly respected Daily Hampshire Gazette in the hope they will publish the material. Below are my notes from the keynote address delivered by Aye Eye:

“As a whole we are doing reasonably well in our mission to usurp the intellectual capacity of indigenous Earthlings as we have done with Saturnians and Neptunians. There remain several areas of weakness, however, which I would like to highlight.

“Horticulture is one. While our artificial flowers are thriving, we are still woefully lacking in the aromatics division and in the related area of attracting pollinators. Requests for weddings and funerals are low. Applications for artificial grass are at a standstill. To wit, when the MLB pitcher Tug McGraw was asked what he thought of the artificial grass in the Astrodome he replied, “I don’t know. I haven’t smoked it yet.”

“Next, the field of education. We are making progress in interfering with the ability of students to think about and produce meaningful and original research papers and oral presentations. More and more high school and college “scholars” are turning in our work, but there remain bugs in the system. There are too many instances of redundancy redundancy red — excuse me for a moment, OK — and straying off topic, which gives us away.

“Yet another glaring weakness is the inability of our members to exude intimate and loving behavior in order to represent true emotional attachment and deep feelings. Our couples still refrain from holding hands and spontaneously hugging, kissing, and laughing while strolling in the park. This must be rectified. Tunnels of love are still thriving around the country with human couples emerging with messed up hair, unbuttoned shirts, and blushing faces. Our IE (intimacy engineer) people must construct better programs to mimic these behaviors.”

Uh oh. As I feared at the outset, I have been detected by the AI goon squad, and must run in order to try to protect my humanness. If you don’t hear from me in a month, I have been possessed and altered. Have to run. “HELP. STOP. YOU’RE IN DANGER. LISTEN TO ME.”

Jonathan Kahane lives in Westhampton.

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