Unless you’ve being living under a rock, you are probably well aware that Prince Harry has a new book called “Spare.” While I don’t intend to purchase or read the book, by all accounts, it is a written version of what Seinfeld character Frank Costanza would refer to as “Festivus,” the annual airing of grievances. By all accounts, when it comes to his family, known famously as “The Firm,” Harry has a lot of them.

The publication of Harry’s book has made me do a lot of soul searching regarding disclosures I have made about my family on the pages of the Daily Hampshire Gazette over the past four years. I have concluded that there is no comparison.

I have mentioned my wife and kids on many occasions in my posts relative to my initial coming out as transgender in 2006, my second coming out in 2015, and my subsequent male-to-female transition just months later. My wife, my two sons, and my dad were not happy about my decision to transition, mostly because they found it hard to believe that I was transgender and were shocked that I was going to actually follow through with gender transition. In the case of my dad, who was in his late 80s at the time, he initially couldn’t understand and was clearly embarrassed by the gender-mutant who was now claiming to be his daughter. He also felt that he was responsible somewhat for me being transgender; I had to provide a lot of education.

My dad, after he saw what transitioning did for me, was first to get on board, despite not being at all happy with me having surgery. My wife and kids, who were living out of state, did not want to communicate with me. My wife only contacted me if she needed something; my kids, despite me reaching out to them, did not contact me at all.

In mentioning these family members in my essays, it was never to put a spotlight on them, or in some way infer that they were bad, cruel, or closed-minded. Instead, by mentioning them, I was trying to illustrate what it is like to be an older trans person transitioning and the effect of that on a well-established family. I was 50 when I started my transition, my wife was in her mid-40’s, and both my sons were legal adults.

Prince Harry, by all accounts, did not mince words when he spoke of his family, taking particular aim at his brother and father. He obviously is still grieving the loss of his mother when he was a kid, and the way it was all handled by his family. He also has plenty of harsh words for the paparazzi, who it has been reported, were in no small part to blame for his mother’s death. While a harsh criticism of the media is likely warranted, I am not sure that taking up grievances against his family in such a public way will pay any emotional dividends, monetary dividends possibly, but if Harry is interested in rectifying the rift with his family, I think he has burned the bridges by his harsh words.

I never took this tact in mentioning my family in my essays, not even mentioning them by name, and I am glad I took this approach as I love all these people very much. I also kept my hopes that things might improve, and we would be able to actually get along.

In the case of my dad, resolution mostly took about a year or so; in the case of my wife and sons, it was far longer. Newly divorced after 30 years of marriage and a nine-year separation, it seems my wife and I can now somehow talk more openly than we have in years. A couple of weeks back, she even arranged a three-way call between me and my two 20-something sons, a call that took seven long, emotionally painful years of non-contact to occur.

I am glad I didn’t drag my family through the mud like Harry; for me, it seems my restraint, and my persistence, has paid me some wonderful dividends.

Mariel Addis is a native of Florence. She left the area for 16 years but returned in 2013.]]>