Hey, Boss, guess what, I just checked the mail, and you’ve been indicted by a federal grand jury in Miami!

I have?!? Oh wow, they’ve finally done it! I’ve been waiting for this for years and it sure looked like they’d never get their acts together. Ok, go pull up that email we created for just this event and fix it up, you know, with current embellishments. Add some “oh poor me” parts and throw in a bunch of “witch hunt” comments and oh, don’t forget some “never seen before in American history” lines too.

But best of all, make sure they understand that I need their money, as much as they can send, because I have to battle the corrupt Biden Justice Department. And throw in that I’m doing this for them, not for me. Isn’t it amazing how they believe that stuff? Like I really care about them. Oh wait, you’re not recording any of this, are you? Those corrupt prosecutors are always coming up with recordings of me just being myself, but then they twist my words.

No sir, I would never record anything you say. Your secrets are safe with me. Like the ones about why you chose to keep and then hide and then lie about all those secret, classified documents you stole from the White House and stored in your bathroom. I have to ask, leaving them in your bathroom, sir, didn’t they make showering a bit difficult?

Forget about my bathroom, will you. Those are my documents and that is my bathroom and I’m the president of the United States! Still! I am! Did I mention that I was the winner of the 2020 presidential election, not that guy Biden who is illegitimately sitting in my chair in the Oval? And that I’m still the president?

Yes, sir, you have mentioned that a few times. But, sir, aren’t you worried about being indicted? If they convict you, you will likely have to go to jail for a long time.

Haven’t you noticed that I never get convicted. I’ll go down in history as the only president to be impeached twice and not convicted. And now I’m the only president to be indicted. There’s no chance that they’ll convict me, I’m made of Teflon! And besides those fake, deranged Justice Department nerds don’t have the nerve to convict me, it will never happen.

But, sir, it’s not the Justice Department that convicts people during a trial. It’s a jury of ordinary American citizens that will hear the case and make that decision. And it wasn’t the Justice Department that decided to indict you. It was a jury of ordinary citizens, but a special kind called a grand jury that made that decision. Perhaps you misunderstood?

Don’t be ridiculous, I never misunderstand anything. I simply alter the facts as they enter my brain until they conform to my way of thinking. Isn’t that what everyone does? Well, maybe not. Not everyone is as smart as me. And facts are slippery things, aren’t they? What did one of my most ardent advisors, Kellyann Conway, say about them? Oh yeah, she described obvious lies as “alternative facts.” I love that!

But sir, you’ve been indicted! Shouldn’t you call your enormous posse of lawyers and discuss how you’re going to deal with this? You’ve been ordered to appear in court in just a few days to face a judge.

Oh, right, the judge. Hmm. Maybe, just maybe I’ll get that woman again, the one who jumped through all kinds of legal hoops trying to stop this whole documents thing last year. Remember her? I wonder who I can call to make sure I get her. But if she’s the judge, I’m in like flint. She’ll drag this trial out until 2028 when I’m running again for my third term as president.

Boss, I just saw on the news that two of your lawyers have quit and that another has been answering questions before that grand jury I mentioned before. I think he’s going to be a witness against you. And the Justice Department prosecutors keep talking about the rule of law, that all people who break the law will be treated equally. And that includes you, even a former president and you seem to have broken a whole bunch of laws and put the country’s security at great risk. I think you might be headed to jail.

I think I’m going to have to fire you. Where did you get all these crazy ideas about rules of laws. I’m still the president, so get that fact straight. I can make my own rules of laws whenever I want. In fact, I am above the law. And who are you anyway? Go get my valet, Walt Nauta. He knows me better than you. In fact, (I love when I use that word) he’s been with me every step of the way through this ridiculous made-up document hoax.

I’ll get him, sir, but I don’t think he’s going to be much help. He’s been indicted, just like you.

Karen Gardner, of Haydenville, can be reached at opinion@gazettenet.com.]]>