One month ago, I was writing about the presidential primary. That seems so long ago. The world has turned upside down since then. We’re now fully immersed in the alternative universe that began on Nov. 8, 2016, with the election of a reality TV host who bankrupts casinos, brags about sexual assault and is clueless in the face of a national emergency.
Not much makes sense during this Trumpandemic. I teach my now-all-online classes most of the day, occasionally peeking at reports on the insanity surrounding us. I post funny photos of my dog with encouraging words on Facebook and help my wife make face masks.
I wore one of those homemade masks to the post office to ship some excess toilet paper across the country to loved ones. No one could tell if I was smiling or silently screaming behind that mask. I was smiling, but one sniffling guy with no mask standing too close might have nudged me into a scream. Does anyone else feel like you’re sometimes holding yourself together with broken clothes pins and rusty twist-ties? You’re not alone.
I admire writers who can conjure a coherent essay right now. I can’t. Not this month, at least. Maybe in May. Doesn’t May sound nice? Far away, but you can almost see it if you squint. For now, the best I can do is “Dispatches from Coronaville,” some unconnected observations that provide brief glimpses of something adjacent to clarity.
Dispatch No. 1: Here’s a public service announcement for everyone working from home these days. When doing a video conference, park your laptop or monitor atop a shoebox to elevate it. No matter how attractive we might be, we all look like gargoyles when we loom over our webcam. Nobody wants to see us like that.
Dispatch No. 2: Remember when Trump was talking about “opening up the country” as soon as possible? He probably meant that when the unemployment rate and the stock market surge in opposite directions, his reelection gets flushed. So he blathered about easing restrictions. It seems so long ago, but that was March 24.
The most absurd part of Trump’s strategy was his desire to “pack the churches” on Easter. News flash: Packing any space with human germ delivery systems during a pandemic is stupid and dangerous. Imagine Fox News or Rush Limbaugh reacting if Barack Obama had suggested “packing the churches” during a virus outbreak. They would have screamed that Obama wanted to mass murder every Christian in America. Of course, Obama wasn’t insane enough to suggest anything so dumb. But for Trump, that was just a tiny sapling in his idiocy forest.
An actual medical expert, Dr. Anthony Fauci (the poor soul who often has to stand dangerously close to Trump at those mind-numbing daily briefings), said Trump’s “pack the churches” plan was, “an aspirational projection to give people some hope.” That’s code for calling Trump a delusional liar while keeping your job trying to prevent the toddler president from killing millions of people.
Dispatch No. 3: Gazette columnist Jay Fleitman recently wrote that we shouldn’t watch news coverage of the pandemic because it’s “melodramatic bordering on hysterical,” and medical experts on the news “seem overwrought” and will make viewers “unnecessarily anxious.” Oh, those awful news people causing anxiety during a pandemic! Fleitman suggested we watch the daily briefing with Fauci and Dr. Deborah Brix instead of the news.
Fleitman should trade his column for a hobby more suited to his talent: magic. He made Trump and his misinformation, insults, lies and general foolishness at the daily briefings completely disappear! Presto! Gosh, we wouldn’t want those “hysterical, overwrought” medical experts on the news getting people “unnecessarily anxious” when we have the least qualified president in history to spout complete nonsense while Fauci and Brix visibly wince.
Dispatch No. 4: Hey, did you hear? The pandemic’s a hoax! A diehard Trump worshipper told me that he knows the “Demon-crats” and the “Commie Media” are exaggerating COVID-19 to make Trump look bad. He claimed that the disease has actually been around for decades. He read it on his favorite website, so it must be true. I guess he doesn’t know that the “19” stands for the year 2019 — When. The. First. Cases. Appeared. Oh. My. God.
Dispatch No. 5: Let’s finish with something positive to counteract the specter of Trump looming over our alternate universe lives.
Recently, our beloved neighbors needed some legal papers witnessed. So we set up a table in our driveway on a beautiful weekday morning. Our friends walked over and signed their papers at the driveway table while we watched from our porch. Then they backed up to keep a proper distance while we came out and signed as witnesses. Then we backed off while they collected the papers. We chatted a while, happy for in-person conversation. Finally, we all waved goodbye, called out words of encouragement, and went inside to wash our hands and return to our various remote jobs.
Neighborly interactions may have changed, but we citizens of Coronaville can still be there for each other. The same truth that guided us before we entered this alternate universe is even more important now: We’re all in this together — just, you know, from at least 6 feet apart.
John Sheirer is an author and teacher who lives in Florence. His most recent book is the fictional thriller, “Uncorrected.” Find him at JohnSheirer.com.