Bruce Watson’s Lifestyles: House Resolutions
LEVERETT — Mr. Speaker, I rise to bring before this House of Representatives a list of my New Year’s resolutions. I admit it’s late to be addressing this issue. However, my resolutions were held up by committees, House rules and rumors of a filibuster. So although the new year is under way, my resolutions are just now taking shape. Still, I ask the House to consider my full 737-page plan to clean up my act in 2013.
The boundless admiration we all had for this House’s behavior during the “fiscal cliff” crisis hardly needs to be detailed here. With bold procrastination, preschool tantrums and perpetual gridlock, this body distinguished itself as it hasn’t since the Diddly Squat Congress of 1929-30. And it is these strategies I will apply to my New Year’s resolutions. Inaction there may be. Name calling — bring it on! Shooting myself in the foot? Count me in! Let the resolutions unfold.
First, I resolve to lose weight in 2013. My Dietary Cliff plan calls for me to swear off sweets, transfats and any food that ends in the suffix “-bon.” Zero tolerance and zealotry being the order of the day, I have signed the No Fat Pledge. And if I have not lost 10 pounds by Feb. 1, my Dietary Cliff demands that I cut off my left leg, just below the knee.
Next I pledge to cut back on red wine. To formulate a plan that is not “dead on arrival,” I have sent this matter to the House Committee on Rotgut Reds. The committee is weighing several options, including A) forcing me to drink V8 with dinner; B) referring any request to “top that off, eh?” to my dog, Jackson; and C) protecting America’s vital red wine industry by redefining “red” to exempt all zinfandels, cabernets and pinot noirs. The committee’s report is expected by June. In the interim, I will continue my established pattern of drinking red wine “like a sailor on leave.”
Moving on, it has come to my attention that surfing the cable dial until 3 a.m. may be harmful to my mental health. I have thus introduced a bill requiring me to turn off the TV immediately after Stewart and Colbert. The bill has slim chance of passing this chamber, however, due to the threat of filibuster by myself. Negotiations to avert my filibuster are continuing with me. In the interim, I will continue surfing while awaiting an “up or down vote” on my full 737-page plan. The crisis of confidence which has plagued me since birth is also something I plan to address this year. I have informed my constituents that they are under no circumstances to mock or ridicule me in 2013.
If they do, I am prepared to call hourly press conferences to blame them for all my problems. I will also be blaming my colleagues “across the aisle” for failing to give me everything I want. They are weenies.
Finally, I hope in 2013 to rein in my skyrocketing personal debt. My Finance Committee is weighing a new debt ceiling that would require me to A) drastically cut mortgage payments by blowing up my house; B) yank my daughter out of college to begin her fulfilling career at Starbucks; and C) close my savings and IRA accounts and invest the funds in the Powerball jackpot. Harsh? Perhaps, but these are harsh times. Note, however, that my 2013 debt ceiling will not go into effect until 2014.
Likewise, I reserve the right to “kick the can down the road” on each of these resolutions which, to become law, must be approved by a supermajority of this House, survive the treacherous waters of the Senate, and be held constitutional by an increasingly anti-me Supreme Court. So it looks like another fun year. Top that off, eh?
Bruce Watson’s column appears twice a month. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.