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Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide

“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale ...” If you’re a boomer you know those lyrics can only mean one thing: we’re going to Gilligan’s Island.

Remember when the castaways got rescued? You don’t? It was such a humongous event it garnered its own movie, called ... “Rescue from Gilligan’s Island.”

For the uninitiated, GI was a sitcom in the early ’60s about seven people stranded on an uncharted island. There’s Gilligan, the Skipper, the Millionaire and his wife (the Howells), the Movie Star (Ginger), the Professor and Mary-Ann. However, this movie has a different Ginger (Judith Baldwin) since the original (Tina Louise) decided that the script for this movie was beneath her. Boy, was she right.

The flick opens with our crew still going through the same antics 15 years later — still sleeping in their hats, still whipping out great dialogue:

Professor: “What’s wrong, Gilligan, have a nightmare?”

Gilligan: “No thanks, just had one.”

Millionaire Howell: “I just coined a phrase.”

Mrs. Howell: “Dear, coins are beneath you.”

One day Gilligan finds a computer disk in the lagoon; utilizing a bit of rope, the professor is able to turn it into a barometer. What’s more, it’s so accurate it can predict a tidal wave coming three days from now! In preparation, the castaways lash their huts together and float out to sea. After some dull adventures with a shark, the big moment arrives — they are rescued by the Coast Guard. This is an event so huge it prompts hundreds to line the dock and greet the castaways and merits a visit from an aide to the governor of Hawaii (the governor himself was busy).

But our crew has been absent for 15 years, so present-day civilization is confusing — they don’t even know who Gerald Ford is (though we can probably give them a pass on that one). Ginger, the Movie Star, complains that movie scripts are now filled with four-letter words, the Millionaire Howells find themselves snubbed by their former socialite friends and Mary Ann is less than happy with the man she became engaged to 15 years ago (luckily, Gilligan and the Skipper show up — wearing, please note, THE SAME CLOTHES THEY WORE ON THE ISLAND — and put the kibosh on the wedding by using watermelons as bowling balls to knock the guests over).

After further complications the crew decides to get together for a reunion cruise. I’m not kidding — this is what they do! And where do you think the scriptwriters are going with this? You guessed it! The weather turns rough, the boat overturns — and Gilligan and company are stranded back on the same uncharted island.

But it doesn’t end there. Because there’s a sequel to this movie in which the castaways attempt to turn their refuge into a “Fantasy Island”-style resort, and then a third movie in which they somehow meet up with the Harlem Globetrotters. I’m unable to supply details since I never bought these latter two — for once in my video-purchasing life, sanity must have prevailed.

— Blaise Majkowski

Gazette page designer and B-movie aficionado

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