Dear Friends,

As April 15 approaches, I keep hearing complaints about paying taxes. I may not support everything the government does with the tax money I pay, but I understand the basic importance of paying taxes as part of our shared civic responsibility.

So I have an important request for all of my friends. If anyone ever hears me complaining about paying my taxes, please take the following actions immediately:

Tell me to renounce my public high school diploma and state university education because my schools were funded by taxes.

While you’re at it, tell me to renounce the community college where I work and the state universities where my colleagues work.

Along those lines, don’t ever let me recommend that anyone ever attend public school, community college, or a state university.

And tell me to send home all of my students who receive any taxpayer-funded assistance. The room would empty very quickly, and my job would cease to exist.

Advise me to repay not only the student loans that helped me to attend college but also all the taxpayer-funded scholarships and grants I received.

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Tell me to turn off my television when any state university sports teams are playing.

Forbid me to drive my car to work because nearly every road I take was built and maintained with tax money.

If someone breaks into my house, send me a brochure about private security, but don’t let me contact the taxpayer-funded police.

If my house is burning, tell me to forget about calling the fire department.

If foreign troops invade the country, tell the American military not to bother protecting me.

If I express anxiety about a terrorist attack, don’t let me expect the government to do anything to stop it.

Go ahead and disable the numbers 9-1-1 on my phone.

Send me a bill for the social security benefits my grandparents and parents received.

Don’t ever let me retire and expect to collect social security.

Also charge me for the Medicare benefits my grandparents and parents received.

When I hit 65, advise me to pray that I never get sick.

Also, advise me to pray that I don’t contract any diseases that could be treated or cured as a result of taxpayer-funded medical research.

Tell me not to expect any doctor that I see to be licensed or certified by the government.

Tell me to steer clear of city, state, and national parks.

Don’t let me even think about visiting a national monument.

Don’t let me set foot in a government building.

Remind me not to expect the federal, state, or county court system to protect my rights.

If I live through a hurricane, tornado, blizzard, flood, earthquake, landslide, or volcano eruption, tell me to reject any help from the Federal Emergency Management Agency.

When I buy food at the supermarket or eat in a restaurant, remind me that I can’t expect the food to have been inspected by a United States Department of Agriculture professional who cares about my safety.

If you see me take any medications, let me know that I have no right to assume the pills have been approved for safety by the Food and Drug Administration.

Feel free to steal anything I have ever written and published because copyright law enforcement is taxpayer-funded.

If I ever invent something really great, go ahead and steal it to make your own fortune because I have no right to protection from the United States Patent and Trademark Office.

Have my photo posted at every public library in the country with the headline, “Do Not Serve This Person!”

If I lose my job, laugh at me when I try to keep up with my bills without unemployment benefits.

If I somehow manage to find a job and accumulate any money, don’t let me keep it in a bank protected by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation.

Make me send back any products that were delivered to me by the United States Postal Service.

Don’t let me expect these words to be accessible through the internet because the web would never have existed in its present form without Department of Defense taxpayer funding.

In terms of who should run our country, the contrast relating to tax policy is clear. President Joe Biden has said that paying your fair share in taxes (especially for the wealthy) is a patriotic way to support our country, while former President Donald Trump has said that avoiding paying taxes makes him smart. We need tax patriotism far more than tax fraud.

As United States Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote, “Taxes are the price we pay for a civilized society.” That’s a fitting and beautiful way to see the issue. And, by the way, Holmes was being paid with American taxpayer funding when he wrote those civilized words.

Overall, if I complain about paying my taxes, please go ahead and laugh in my face and call me an ignorant, freeloading idiot. That’s exactly what I would deserve if I didn’t understand that being a responsible citizen in a civilized society means paying my taxes.

Thanks, everyone! I appreciate your friendship and support. Love, John

John Sheirer is an author and teacher from Florence. His most recent book, “For Now: One Hundred 100-Word Stories,” just won a Typesmith Writer’s Book Award. Find him at JohnSheirer.com.