Let’s Talk Relationships: How to handle feelings of shame: The holiday season can be a triggering time for many

By AMY NEWSHORE

For the Gazette

Published: 12-06-2024 11:33 AM

Shame is a topic not easily talked about. And that is why I feel enthusiastic about writing about it. That’s my thing — discussing and writing about topics that we often hold at arm’s length and don’t dare think or talk about.

But why am I choosing to write about it for my December column, when it is holiday season? Isn’t that kinda weird? The truth is, many of our personal lives don’t fit into what Hallmark cards and the countless images we are bombarded with exude — peace, joy and love, and the implicit, idealized expectation that during the holidays, happy, intact families gather together. So many of us are not living in that reality and that’s where shame can come in.

Where does shame come from? We have all been touched by shame, usually starting in childhood experiences where we may have been treated harshly — having been criticized, judged, blamed and viewed through a negative lens by the important people in our lives. We ended up internalizing beliefs that we are not “good enough,” and therefore feelings of shame were planted in our psyche. These messages not only had familial roots but also could have come from our experiences in school, friendships, the media and cultural norms (with unreasonable standards of “beauty” and “success”). To some degree, we have all carried shame into our adult life.

Shame may be lurking under the surface for many people when the holidays come around. It might be driving any negative thoughts and moods we might be having. Despite all the bright lights, smiling faces, and pretty packages represented in the marketing that surrounds the holidays, many of us experience this time of year as depressing, lonely, embarrassing, and painful. These emotions might very well be linked to shame.

What circumstances might enable shame to emerge during the holidays?

■Alienation from our family. There may be a need to take a break from or sever ties to protect ourselves from unhealthy or abusive behavior from family members; therefore, we choose not to spend the holidays with them. We find ourselves feeling lost, with a lack of belonging anywhere.

■A falling out with a family member. There may have been a conflict that did not get resolved or repaired, with hard feelings on one or both sides. It becomes necessary to not join the family for the holidays. We are faced with feeling alone.

■We are not married while everyone else in our family is. When with family members, the stigma of being unpartnered leaves us feeling “different” from everyone else.

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■We are divorced and it is not our turn to have the children with us for the holidays this year. We might think something is wrong with ourselves and our lives since others have intact families.

■Our luck is down related to money, job, relationship status, etc., while others seem to be thriving.

■We bring a new “significant other” to our dysfunctional family’s holiday celebration for the first time.

■We are questioned about our life — career, love life, etc., by family members and our answers are met with disapproval and judgment.

■We are visiting family in our childhood home where shame originally started. Being back in familiar family dynamics, we find ourselves losing confidence and feeling “not good enough,” just like we felt growing up.

■Well-meaning co-workers, acquaintances, friends, etc., ask how we are spending the holidays, after hearing their plans that represent “normalcy,” such as gathering happily with their families.

■We strive for “holiday perfectionism” (having overly high expectations for the holidays) without the finances to match it.

How shame shows itself

There are many ways that shame can show up in our lives. Here are some examples.

■A sense of dread as holiday events approach.

■Feeling unwanted or like an outsider at social/family gatherings.

■Our inner critic (negative self-talk) is working overtime, with harsher criticism than usual resounding in our head. In comparing ourselves to others, we feel unworthy, inadequate, or incompetent.

■We long for our reality to fit the happy and “perfect” images shown in mass media.

■We find ourselves withdrawing from socializing; not actively participating in what is going on; shutting down and being quiet.

■Unpleasant or even traumatic memories come up when back in the original family home.

■Zoning out — a paralysis-like feeling that takes over when we don’t know how to handle interactions that we either witness or find ourselves in.

■Tears are right behind our eyes, ready to flow at the smallest provocation.

■Ruminating on perceived past or present “failures.”

■Pulling in or making oneself smaller physically by slumping, shrinking, keeping one’s head down and not making eye contact.

How to take care of yourself in the throes of shame

■Name the shame: The first step to alleviating shame is cultivating awareness of when it arises.

■Mindfulness: Simply observing that we are experiencing shame right now helps to create space between who we wholly are and the shame that we feel.

■Turn toward the shame instead of judging it. Embrace it with acceptance.

■Come out of hiding: What is challenging about shame, besides the emotional pain that can come along with it, is that, as psychologist, researcher, and author Brené Brown states, “shame thrives in secrecy.” Being that it’s not something people ever talk about, shame is not on our internal radar so we don’t always acknowledge that it is shame we are experiencing. Even if we are well aware that we have stepped into the world of shame, we keep it to ourselves. As hard as it feels to endure shame, it is harder when we feel alone in it. Naming the shame we feel and finding a trustworthy person to open up to and share about it can unburden us a bit. It is always helpful to be heard, seen, and known, and have what we share received with care and empathy.

■Find a therapist to work on shame with: A therapist is a safe person to be transparent with. It is better to work with a therapist long before the holidays or a specific event, since healing shame is a work in progress.

■Have self-compassion: When we notice we are feeling shame, we can remind ourselves that everyone feels shame at times. By treating ourselves with kindness, we can experience self-soothing.

■Catch any negative self-talk: We can ask ourselves “Are these thoughts I am telling myself helpful or harmful?” Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Replace negative self-talk with more positive thoughts by focusing on something positive we can say to ourselves, such as “I can get through this holiday easier than in the past.”

■Do some “square breathing”: This lowers the anxiety level that comes with shame. Breathe in through the nose for five seconds, hold the breath for five seconds, exhale through the mouth for five seconds, hold for five seconds, then start again with breathing in for five seconds. Do this cycle five times or however long you can.

■Introduce an activity or game everyone can do: In order to feel more empowered, suggest something that could be fun or interesting to do. This keeps the attention off of our shame and provides a positive experience that we, ourselves, initiated.

■Challenge your assumptions about what the holiday should look like and just work within what is reasonable for your particular situation.

If you find yourself experiencing some shame during this holiday season, I am cheering you on to truly know that you are not alone. I hope you take what you found helpful in this column with you, wherever you end up going for the holidays, whether it is with family, friends, volunteering to make other people’s holiday brighter, or choosing to just be with your wonderful self.

Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with NonViolent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.