If you have ever found yourself responding to someone in a conversation by being defensive, join the club. Whether in romantic, platonic, family or professional relationships, when someone lets us know we have done or said something we might not like hearing or may not agree with, we can become defensive.

Defensiveness blocks healthy communication and quickly enables any relationship between two people to erode, where no one is left happy. It is a common psychological defense mechanism that can easily kick in. With couples, when defensiveness is used during conflict, it can lead to a vicious cycle where both partners become critical and alienated from each other. According to relationship researcher and expert, Dr. John Gottman, defensive responses are key factors leading to divorce or the ending of a committed relationship. Let’s break down what exactly defensiveness is, why people often act this way, and how to break the habit.

Defensiveness comes down to being an attempt to protect oneself from perceived threat. It can feel threatening to be criticized, judged, perceived as wrong, misunderstood and treated unfairly. In these situations, we have all experienced defensiveness sneaking up on us and becoming an automatic way of responding. When a defensive posture is taken, there cannot be a collaborative approach to solving problems between people, as it disallows openness, learning and a healthy exchange. Defensiveness sends the message that what the other person is saying is the problem, and that they are incorrect in their perceptions of us.

To protect ourselves from our perception of being insufficient or wrong, we might take the tough stance of being defensive to avoid facing the insecurities we already have about ourselves. If we have a solid sense of self and good self-esteem, there is less of a chance that we will fall into the trap of defensiveness since we don’t need to prove our worth to anyone. No one likes to be criticized and judged; however, if we have self-confidence, we are not as vulnerable to feeling the need to defend and attack.

Here are some examples of what defensiveness looks like:

Not listening: If you experience yourself or someone else not listening well, it is possible that there is defensiveness taking place. By getting defensive, we focus on what we can say to prove the other person wrong, rather than getting out of our own way and having an interest in hearing what is being said. For example: The defensive person shows they are not listening by getting distracted, changing the subject, talking over the other person, etc.

Justifying our actions: It might feel challenging when someone tells us that what we said or did has affected them negatively. We might feel upset, anxious or challenged when we hear negative things about ourselves and justify or make excuses. For example, we might bring up mistakes they have made and say, “Well, if you didn’t do/say this, I wouldn’t have…” or “I was really tired when I said that so give me a break. I wasn’t at my best.”

Telling the other person they shouldn’t feel how they feel: Defensiveness can appear as shifting the blame to the complaining person and telling them they are wrong for the feelings they are having. Invalidating their feelings can look like “But I was only kidding” or “You are just too sensitive and overreacting”.

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Gaslighting: The goal of using this defense mechanism is to make the other person doubt their reality or memory. For example: “That did not happen the way you are saying it did” or “I never said that.”

Denial: If someone does not want to admit the truth about what is being said about them, denial is one way to defend themselves from taking responsibility. Example: “I was not raising my voice and yelling.”

There are some common characteristics in people with a tendency towards defensiveness. Power and control issues are high on the list, when maintaining a self-image is more important than working through problems with others.

Our early life is influential in shaping our communication style. Defensiveness can be learned in childhood when a parent exhibits a defensive style of relating to others and therefore does not model the ability to address frustrations in a healthy way.

Other reasons people become defensive include having low self-esteem or shame, feeling rejected, believing the other person does not care about us, and having a general lack of confidence.

Defensive behavior in relationships, when it occurs regularly, will inevitably lead to partners pulling away from each other and experiencing loneliness.

When a partner reveals their inner experience of what the other person has said or done by saying something like, “When you didn’t talk to me at the party we went to, I felt hurt,” and is met with defensiveness, they will not feel heard. Feeling heard and understood are human universal needs.

A person who defends with unbridled anger inevitably communicates hurtful statements that, once they are verbalized cannot be unheard, and can cause serious emotional damage.

Defensiveness in one person can contribute to the other becoming defensive, thus becoming a pattern that feels impossible to break. Each person becomes more and more exasperated and passionate about proving that they are the one that is “right.” This endless cycle of defensiveness is described by Dr. John Gottman, researcher and relationship expert, as one of the most serious factors in why people divorce.

Overcoming defensiveness can be challenging and difficult. What I can offer you is an invitation to connect with yourself and notice when defensiveness is starting to take over. We may not be able to change the fact that we feel defensive, but we can become aware that this is happening.

The next step is to remind yourself that we have the choice to interrupt this automatic tendency and choose a different, healthier response. In order to do this, it is important to pause, take some deep breaths and slow down. Only then can we be more thoughtful about how to proceed.

To learn more about how to more specifically replace defensiveness with productive communication, I suggest that you read “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall Rosenberg (3rd edition).

In addition, a local workshop is being offered in September that focuses on alternatives to defensiveness through using conflict for personal growth and enrichment of your relationships. Heart Conscious Communication will take place on Thursdays from 6 to 8 p.m., starting Sept. 19th at Mt. Toby Quaker Meeting house in Leverett. Contact Karen Fogliatti at 413-773-8303 or karenmf@mindspring.com for more information about the upcoming free intro and to register.

Although getting defensive is a raw and natural reaction to feeling hurt, threatened, and/or anxious, it just makes matters worse. I am cheering you on to do your part in making your relationships feel safer, more stable, and more fulfilling through avoiding defensiveness and learning and practicing better communication that works.

Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with NonViolent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.