Matt Gaetz possesses several traits that could make him the front runner as the Republican nominee for the 2028 presidential election. First, he is both white and a man. These two characteristics have been routinely associated with violence, aggression, arrogance, narcissism, and hostility. Second, he is a known sexual predator (and likely, soon to be felon). Not only does this attribute have strong appeal to the American public in general, but it also appeals to a large segment of Republican women. Third, Mr. Gaetz has his own unique style of ruthlessness, which seems to attract a lot of appeal in America and draws significant attention from large swaths of the news media. Fourth, he has already indicated his own brand of “deny, deny, deny” and “attack, attack, attack” whenever confronted by accusations of wrongdoing. We can expect that as he ages, he will become more skillful in utilizing these strategies.

In summation, these four characteristics perfectly reflect the culture of America today: violence, sexual predation, injustice, hostility, arrogance and selfishness. And there is where you and I enter the stage. If we begin donating money to him now, he could eventually have enough finances to create his own phalanx of lawyers and likely escape all claims against him by beleaguering America’s already withering legal system. The only condition that is missing is finding a billionaire benefactor to give him $100 million for his campaign. But, rest assured, I have heard that there is a young white male, named Elongate Moskovite, who could fit the bill. He is developing a software program which can identify both any Democratic leanings in 10-year-old children and immediately eradicate them at the same time. Business Week has already identified Mr. Moskovite as likely to become a billionaire once his program is commercially available. Republicans are lining up in troves to purchase it. Please consider joining me in donating to Matt Gaetz as the next Republican nominee for president.

Alan Kanner

Amherst