Voter fraud! Those satanic Democrats are bringing in millions of illegal immigrants and registering them to vote against the former guy! How could he possibly win with so much voter fraud and corruption going on against him?

But we’re going to be ready this time to Stop the Steal 2024 when she comes up with more votes and steals the election. If you think that Stop the Steal 2020 was cool — though I admit, a failure — then just wait until you see what we’ve got planned this time around. Our guy, the former guy, will never concede. He’ll send all his bros to fight like heck and we’ll know that when he succeeds in court (no doubt at the Supreme) or inside the Capitol, unlike last time, we know we’ll be pardoned for the lovefest he will have set in motion.

Oh, but wait, the election went off without a hitch! No voter fraud in sight, and the former guy won in the Electoral College and the popular vote as well. But how can that be? Where were those millions of illegal immigrants brought into the country to vote for her? Maybe after they risked going to jail for illegally registering to vote, those millions decided, instead, to vote for the guy who spent the last year promising to round them all up and put them in concentration camps? Hmm.

It’s left me wondering where have all those millions of illegal immigrant voters gone? Wait, I know. They’ve moved to Springfield, Ohio, where they know that there will be plenty of free cats and dogs to feed to their kids. But now that the election has been settled, why aren’t we hearing a word about voter fraud anymore? Maybe that’s because the former guy approves of the kind of voter fraud that would work in his favor? Hmm.

But why hasn’t his opponent’s party picked up the voter fraud story? After all, she lost when everyone thought she could win. There has not been one lawsuit filed on her behalf claiming she lost due to Republican election officials flipping votes in secure ballot machines, or reports of huge boxes of mail-in ballots arriving from foreign countries in the dead of night.

Nope, not one satanic Democrat has screamed “stop the steal,” not one. Now, why is that? Perhaps, just perhaps, they believe in the integrity of our election system and even though they lost they are willing to accept that, painful as it is?

But why not give the voter fraud routine a try? There is so much evidence that in the end it worked. Look, the former guy is headed back to the White House instead of to jail for inciting an insurrection the last time. He has spent nearly every minute of the last four years howling about voter fraud and his terrible stolen election.

I don’t know, maybe because the satanic Democrats have integrity and are ethical and believe in the legitimacy of our elections and have sworn to uphold our Constitution. Hmm, do people still do that sort of thing?

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Oh, well maybe they do. The former guy’s opponent, what was her name? Oh, right, so long ago now … Kamala. She actually gave a post-election speech in which she stated for all to hear that she conceded defeat to the former guy. And she even called him to congratulate him on his success. For heaven’s sake, that’s not how things are done in the former guy’s world. He would never do such a thing.

And after all the fun things he said about her. Let’s see … stupid, ignorant, low IQ, lazy, mentally impaired, while even suggesting that she slept her way to the top. You’ve got to hand it to her, that even after facing such an opponent as this former guy, she always manages to not be him. And she still isn’t him.

But maybe that’s why a majority of our fellow citizens chose him instead of her. She was clearly filled with integrity, had lived a life of ethical behavior and public service, spoke in full sentences, was devoted to bringing our country together by working hard for all Americans, and amazingly, never uttered one insult toward anyone.

Who would want a person like that to be our president? And, of course, she was a woman, and a Black one at that. That was just a step too far. We’d rather have a lying, deranged, convicted felon, a con man who has assaulted and disparaged women over a lifetime to be our president rather than a woman, no matter how smart, articulate, and experienced she is. He’s a man, after all!

It makes perfect sense, don’t you think? I guess his voters knew about his passion for lying about everything and could not have cared less. But will they care when they discover that he wasn’t lying about taking away the support and protections provided by their government that millions of them heavily rely on? You know, like Social Security, veterans benefits, Medicare, Obamacare, clean water and air, education for their kids, food safety, medical research and so much more.

He said he’s going to put one of his crazy billionaire cronies in charge of cutting $2 trillion from government spending. Well, it sure looks like you can kiss those benefits goodbye.

At that point maybe his voters will stop being his voters and join the resistance. Or maybe they’ll just keep loving him as they do now. He’s such a warm, kind, caring guy.

Karen Gardner of Haydenville can be reached at opinion@gazettenet.com.