By Bruce Watson
Last modified: Thursday, July 17, 2014
Now that House Speaker John Boehner is hoping to sue the president for acting when Congress refused to act, perhaps our litigious society can afford one more lawsuit.
PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES v SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER AND ALL HOUSE REPUBLICANS
STATEMENT OF CLAIM
Comes now the plaintiff, the people of the United States, charging that the defendants, though elected to pass legislation, have steadfastly refused to do so. So egregious has been the neglect of duty on the part of the defendants as to slander the term “democracy” and to make the U.S. House of Representatives the worldwide poster boy of dysfunction and disgrace.
FACTS
1. That the defendants have refused to carry out their constitutional duties to pass even the simplest laws, preferring instead to posture, postpone and bicker like fourth-graders.
2. That the defendants have willfully and wantonly ignored, scorned, or defied the electorate by tabling vital legislation, including background checks for firearms, immigration reform, and other issues supported by 75 to 90 percent of the American people.
3. That the defendants forced a shutdown of the federal government in a blatant power grab that fooled no one, not even their infant daughters.
4. That the defendants, though holding 54 percent of House seats, do not represent a majority of American voters, having earned just 47.6 percent of all congressional district votes to 48.8 for Democratic opponents. Look it up.
5. That this wholesale theft of “The People’s House” was achieved by redrawing congressional districts into shapes resembling snakes, eels, or other vermin not unlike, in temperament or appearance, the defendants themselves.
6. That the defendants have repeatedly distorted the president’s record, to wit: A) charging him with refusing to enforce immigration laws, although his administration has deported or “returned” more illegal immigrants than any in history; B) issuing blatant lies about the Affordable Care Act, ranging from outright whoppers such as “death panels” to absurd exaggerations of “a government takeover of health care”; C) accusing him of everything from being a Muslim to eating his young.
7. That the defendants are preparing a lawsuit charging the president with overstepping his authority by issuing executive orders when, in fact, he has issued executive orders at a rate slower than any president since Grover Cleveland. Look it up.
8. That the defendants, through constant carping, verbal bed-wetting, and refusal to compromise, have disgraced their own party and caused its longtime stalwarts, including Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt and Dwight Eisenhower to spin in their graves.
9. That the defendants, while presenting themselves as staunch defenders of the law, are in fact rather pathetic individuals and not even very skilled politicians, given that their ham-handed tactics have created historic gridlock and earned Congress a public approval rating of 10 percent.
10. That the defendants have embarrassed themselves to the extent that few Americans would even have a beer with them.
WHEREFORE:
The plaintiffs, owing to the defendants’ juvenile behavior, have suffered shame, financial loss, chaos, dismay, and pretty much weekly random shootings, do hereby demand redress in the form of A) a redistricting plan that does not seem designed by vengeful children; B) federal funding for all elections; C) generous amounts of duct tape placed over defendants’ mouths; and D) the restoration of democracy and decency in the House of Representatives.
Respectfully submitted,
The American People