Bruce Watson: A letter from the League of Disgusted Voters
Dear Disgusted Voter,
Once again this October your League offers a series of events to keep you from growing an ulcer, moving to some strange country or throwing a chair through your TV. Pick an event and come share your repugnance at a League of Disgusted Voters gathering near you.
• Saturday, Oct. 13: Funeral for Facts — Join LDV members as we mourn the death of facts in our Wiki-wacky-whatever works world. Disgusted voters will rip pages out of almanacs, add lies to Wikipedia and play “Facts-Schmacts,” in which they compete to distort the most data in a two-minute segment. Pallbearers needed.
• Sunday, Oct 14: SuperPAC Play Money Day — Bring your little ones to this kid-friendly event where they will make play money by the zillions and throw it at the clownlike candidate of your choice.
• Tuesday, Oct. 16: Second Presidential Debate in Rowdy Time — Gather with fellow disgusted voters to shout primal screams at a big screen TV. Facts optional. Bring rotten fruit.
• Thursday, Oct. 18: Undecided Voters Hunt — LDV members will canvas door-to-door, reaching out to undecided voters to tell them that if they haven’t decided by now, get a clue and don’t vote.
• Saturday, Oct. 20: Ronald Reagan Reality Roast — Sick of winning one for the Gipper? So are LDV members. Join us for coffee and horror stories from the 1980s. Reagan’s stupid gaffes. Jokes about bombing Russia. Homelessness. Greed. Indicted officials. Astrology. Iran-Contra. Doubled deficits. From 7 p.m. till the fun stops.
• Sunday, Oct. 21: Poll This! At which LDV members fume over the latest outrages, then call the New York Times, the Pew Research Center and other polling organizations to give them a #($)@#$ earful. Hey, they never call you, right?
• Monday, Oct. 22: Presidential Debate Dissing. During this final debate, LDV members will gather to Tweet their disgust in 140 characters or less. OMG! LOL! ROMSUCKSBGTME! AAARRRGGHHH!!!
• Wednesday, Oct. 24: Third LDV Yo’ Mama-Off — Our biannual insult contest will see LDV members in each others’ faces, spewing the trash talk of this year’s campaign. Bring gangsta rap for inspiration. Flak-jackets required.
• Saturday, Oct. 27: Neglected Issue Fun Shriek — Got an issue you’d like to see discussed this election? Gun control? Global Warming? Wholesale perversion of free speech? Bring your issue and shriek it for a full 10K. Shriek loudly. The Fun Shriek will mark the only time your issue is heard from now to Nov. 6.
• Sunday, Oct. 28: Electoral College Drop Out Derby — Join us as we curse and condemn this 18th century relic. For extra fun, LDV members will Skype with voters from other countries, trying to explain to them how the Electoral College works.
• Tuesday, Oct. 30: Tropical Island Dreamin’ — With the election just a week away, disgusted voters will scan Google Earth for tropical islands as likely destinations if their candidate loses. Or even if he wins!
• Wednesday, Oct. 31: Halloween Hijinx — LDV members will dress up as American presidents and go door-to-door to see if anyone can guess who they are. Or have even heard of them.
• Friday, Nov. 2: Undecided Voter Takedown — Another door-to-door canvas for those still undecided, but this time no pleading, no “conversation of democracy.” This time it gets ugly.
• Saturday, Nov. 3: Hibernation Experiments. With the election and winter approaching, LDVs will learn bear hibernation techniques in hopes of sleeping through the winter, the next four years or until Citizens United is repealed, whichever comes last.
• Monday, Nov. 5: Pre-election Prep Party. LDVs will gather to hold their noses and prepare to vote. Bring clothespins.
Bruce Watson’s column appears every other Wednesday. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.