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Bruce Watson’s Lifestyles: Howl 2.0

iPhone-headed Tweeters burning for a 4G connection to the blogosphere in the swamp of social media,

who blogging and phishing and backed up and spammed, sat up surfing in the backlit darkness of laptop cafes scattered throughout cities contemplating the Cloud,

who dropped out of universities with hallucinations of startup plans, Amazon and Yahoos rattling the Bill Gates of MS-DOS,

who got hacked by emails telling of London and being stranded there with no money,

who got scammed about Nigeria and a king’s fortune available in Lagos — send credit card info,

who stood on street corners beneath mighty buildings and soaring clouds, stood staring into their palms, tapping, tapping,

who logged onto Facebook to play “FarmVille 2” and forgot the rice burning on the stove,

who checked and re-checked their email but only learned how to enlarge their penises,

who paid high three figures for the latest iGadget, not caring what it did, it was just soooo cool,

who browsed old sitcoms on YouTube, ones that stunk back in the day — “Dobie Gillis” and “My Mother, the Car,”

who stopped dinner conversations to whip out their screens and check whatever happened to that girl who played the youngest of “The Brady Bunch,”

who stored everything they’d ever written, photographed, or downloaded on a single 16GB flashdrive and then sent it through the full wash cycle,

Cynical news junkies shooting up scandals from Drudge and Daily Kos,

who, drunk and despairing, Googled themselves to see if they still existed,

who stopped after-dinner conversations to show everyone photos they’d taken during dinner,

who posted the photos on FlickR but got 0 followers,

who started a blog on Blogspot but forgot the username and password,

who changed the username and password but forgot them again and spaced on the name of their first pets,

who scoured emptied attics on eBay but did not Buy It Now!

who clicked “Hey, Check This!” expecting photos of Anna Kournikova and felt like asses when taking their laptops to Geekworld,

who saw Bing and Ping and pop-ups fill their screens but did not click,

who read on Wikipedia that LBJ killed JFK and almost believed it there for awhile,

who posted modest political comments on Yahoo and got 37 responses calling them “elite liberal *@$@heads,”

who saw incompatible downloads of Apple iCloud (Not Responding) on screens crashing toward reboots of Control-alt-Delete & Start Task Manager, system shutdowns in Real Time :-(,

A mad invasion of demonic spyware infecting the hard drive and demanding an upgrade, a firewall, another trip to Geekworld,

who driving to Geekworld heard Kim Commando talk about Internet addiction and nodded,

who were quoted a price equal to the Gross National Product of Honduras to debug, defrag, or go into safemode and wondered whether it was worth it,

who then spotted the new iMAC and couldn’t resist,

who took it home and booted up…

Steve Jobs! I’m with you in the Cloud

where we hug our iPads under our sheets

I’m with you in the Cloud

where we wake up and check our email first thing

I’m with you in the Cloud

where you’ve mocked and insulted everyone within a 250-mile radius

I’m with you in the Cloud

where you become immortal for making us all stare into our palms for hours on end

I’m with you in the Cloud

where in my dreams you make your digital journey on the Info-highway across America to the doors of my perception in the Western night

Bruce Watson’s column appears twice a month. He can be reached at opinion@gazettenet.com

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