As the "official" TV season comes to a close, we felt it was time to wrap things up by taking a look at the new shows we'd given a chance to this year and what we thought of them. Here's what transpired.
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KERRI FLEMING
Most of what I watch on television (or really, pretty much everything in life) is black or white with me. I either love it or I hate it. Rarely does something fall in between. However, while a lot of the new shows I taste-tested this year have been really good (American Horror Story!) or really bad (Terra Nova!), some have fallen somewhere in between, the area I call the Parenthood Zone. (I wanted to like the remake of the 1989 Steve Martin movie so bad that I suffered through 2 1/2 seasons, hating most of the characters and writers for putting me through this, but never quite ready to stop watching. Thankfully, this fall, I was able to just say no, and I'm happy to report that I've been Lauren Graham-free for several months now.)
Anyway, here are the shows I either loved, hated, or lasted with until the bitter end.
The Good
American Horror Story Forget the best new show...this was the best show of the year for me, period. It was a fantastic combination of psychological thriller, ghost story, slasher pic, and Lost-style mystery, further aided by superb writing (Nip/Tuck's Ryan Murphy) and acting (viewers were introduced to the talented Taissa Farmiga and Evan Peters, and I officially have a crush on Jessica Lange, who won a Golden Globe for her performance). Some people didn't like the fact that the story ended with the season and that next year will include different characters and a different location, but even that excites me. As much as I loved Lange's Constance, Peters' Tate, and Farmiga's Violet as characters, I loved the mystery even more. They've truly taken steps to keep the show as fresh as possible and I think it's here for a long time.
Up All Night A few episodes into the season, I wasn't sure about Up All Night. Christina Applegate isn't really someone to write home about, and while I normally love Will Arnett, he wasn't exactly on par with his recent stretch as Devon Banks on 30 Rock. But after having been burned by dropping Parks and Recreation after one season - apparently its only terrible season - I was determined to give it a fair shot. I'm glad I did. The show finally grasped a foothold about halfway through the season. Its key to success? Maya Rudolph. By far the funniest person on the show, Rudolph, as Oprah Winfrey knockoff Ava, is hilariously ridiculous. Add to that a slew of fantastic side characters (Jason Lee as Ava's regular-guy boyfriend; Ava's perverted fling/stalker Julian; the return of Rescue Me's Steven Pasquale) and the show is great, not because of the family in the forefront, but almost despite them.
Awake I'm still getting the hang of Awake, which started this spring. But the tale of a man who survives a car crash but is living parallel lives - one in which his wife survived the crash with him and the other in which his teenage son remains - has a combination of an intriguing and unique story idea and a really solid cast. It stars Jason Isaacs, and once you get over the fact that Lucius Malfoy is a good guy with an American accent (that sounds almost disturbingly like Dustin Hoffman), he really fits into the role. The best part are his dueling psychiatrists, played by 24's Cherry Jones and Law and Order's BD Wong, both of whom are trying to convince him that their reality is the right one. It is possible I'm the only person that likes this show so much, but if quality is measured by how much I look forward to a new episode, then this one is up there.
Once Upon a Time Once Upon a Time is not perfect. Although you go into any show, especially a sci-fi/fantasy show and ESPECIALLY one based on fairy tales, knowing you're going to have to suspend your disbelief, sometimes the makers of OUAT ask a BIT too much of you. Like, if no one can leave Storybrooke, how did Mr. Gold get baby Henry to Regina? And wouldn't that mean Henry must have aged over the past 10 years? And if he had, wouldn't everyone else, particularly the other kids he goes to school with, notice the growing boy in the seat next to them while they remain perpetually 11? But for what it lacks, it makes up for in other ways. The stories are remarkably clever, both in how they utilize fairy tales to develop their characters and how they put a unique spin on these well-known yarns to keep us on our toes (Red Riding Hood IS the Big Bad Wolf? OH SNAP). Plus, it's refreshing to see a hit show where almost all of the main characters - both heroes (Emma, Mary-Margaret/Snow White) and villains (Regina) - are unique, three-dimensional female characters.
The Bad
Terra Nova The potential was there. People escaping a dystopian future by traveling back to when dinosaurs roamed to form a new society? The Hunger Games meets Jurassic Park? Sign me up! But while the show gave some fantastic visuals (both the land and the dinosaurs), it failed to give us characters we actually cared about. Seriously, could we find more unlikable and unrealistic people? And with The Killing, I've already got my fill of surly teenage boys, anyway, thankyouverymuch. This show lasted half a season, about six episodes longer than I did.
The In-Between
Pan Am I spent most of this season liking Pan Am, I really did. It was something of a guilty pleasure, full of campy fun and a cartoonized version of the '60s. The same flight crew includes more than one Cold War spy, an occasionally nude model with connections to Life magazine and Andy Warhol, a sex-crazed political activist with ties to JFK, and the world's most chipper Holocaust survivor might make me roll my eyes in most scenarios, but for whatever reason, they pulled it off (I blame Karine Vanasse). But after awhile, and this might just be because ABC was getting ready to pull the plug, the storylines got too complicated, the shows were aired out-of-order, and the already out-of-this-world plots were getting crazier. (Ted gets to marry a secret lesbian society wife AND have a little something-something on the side with the hottest stewardess on his crew? Pretty impressive for kind of a tool.) By the end, I just wanted them to pull the plug already and put me out of my misery, making Pan Am this season's Parenthood.
Alcatraz Alcatraz had a few things going for it: its connection to JJ Abrams, a substantial role for the delightful Jorge Garcia, and a great and curmudgeonly performance by Sam Neill. But it also had some bad parts: most notably, its star, the boring and forgettable Sarah Jones. Also, while the idea of former Alcatraz inmates time-traveling from 1963 to 2012 was fascinating, the stories often had too many problems that don't make sense. When the season ended, I was already getting bored of the procedural portion of the drama: former Alcatraz inmate starts killing people, the group chases him, the guy gets caught and placed in Neill's faux Alcatraz for safe-keeping. We get it. And while the season ended with a bang (or, more accurately, whatever sound a stabbing makes), it wasn't too much of a shocker that this one wasn't invited back.
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JEFF MAXWELL
“Up All Night,” starring Christina Applegate and Will Arnett. For the record, I will watch anything with Arnett. Anything. So for him to star as successful professional who put his career on the back-burner so he could be a stay-at-home-Dad…well, it hit way too close to home for me to not watch. Applegate is wonderful (as always) as a day-time talk show producer and Arnett’s wife, and the supporting cast surrounding those two move seamlessly between impossible and unequivocally believable; yet it’s all quick, charming, and well-written enough to buy. The half-hour sitcom’s dialogue might be too edgy at times for NBC (with references to drunken sex and masturbation as examples), but Applegate and Arnett work so well together that I can see why NBC rolled the dice on them…and won. We will be watching the next season of “Up All Night.”
“Alcatraz,” starring Sarah Jones and Jorge Garcia. The pluses are numerous, including J.J. Abrams, the brain behind “Lost,” and Garcia, who you may remember as Hugo from said “Lost.” Then there is Sam Neill, who falls in the category Arnett is in: I will watch anything with him. Also Parminder Nagra, who I first fell in love with as the Indian-girl-next-door in “Bend It Like Beckham” and have had a crush on her ever since (and admittedly I ignored her and everyone else on “E.R.”). And let us not forget Jones, who has proven once again women can have short hair and be hot at the same time. Then there’s the sniff of the mysterious with Alcatraz: prisoners vanishing in the 1960s and then re-appearing in modern-day San Francisco. It all sounds…well, really good. Only the characters never took themselves too seriously, the writing was decent but not special, and the writers tried to do too much too fast, and it was wrecked, which is a shame. I feel it’s because the equation stayed the same from episode to episode, and it got old quick. Real quick. FOX has already declared they will not be picking it up for a second season.
“New Girl,” starring Zooey Deschanel and Jake M. Johnson. Deschanel stars as a (surprise-surprise) quirky teacher who just had a bad break-up and moves in with three guys in a loft in what I thought was Chicago but turns out it’s actually Los Angeles. Johnson is one of those three guys, and each one is a little crazy in their own way – and aren’t we all, as the writing reminds us. This show is totally watchable simply because of the writing: both the plot-side and the dialogue-side are brilliant (though I feel the dialogue is better, but that’s like saying a Lamborghini is “better” than a Ferrari). “New Girl” is funny, entertaining, light, and off-enough from a regular comedy these days to warrant watching – and I thank the writing above all for it. FOX thinks so, too, and last month renewed “New Girl” for a second season.
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NICK PIZZOLATO
Up All Night - The story of a couple in their thirties who have a baby and how they deal with their lives as parents still trying to be young and hip. Maya Rudolph, Will Arnett, Christina Applegate all star and have remarkable chemistry. The writing is crisp and clever. It's produced by Lorne Michaels and is one of the smartest new shows. Think of it as 30 Rock but at home.
Don't Trust the B in Apt 23 - It's not brillaint, but the fact that James Van Der Beek plays a hollywood version of himself makes it worth writing. We learn important things like, "This room is full of 200 Thirty-somethings from Iowa...this is MY Academy Awards."
Grimm - It deals with the popular "What if Fairy Tales were based in reality" theme but does it as a fun cop show. A great way to suspend disbelief and have fun for an hour.
Two Broke Girls....just kidding. It's a terrible show.
***
MATT VAUTOUR
Once Upon a Time - I was a little skeptical when my wife first suggested
it, but it ended up being really good. It plays like a good kids/family
movie.
Touch - I'm admittedly behind on my DVR and it's possible that's it's gotten terrible in the last few weeks, but it's clever and interesting so I'm surprised it hasn't been cancelled.
***
JIM PIGNATIELLO
Comic Book Men - I'm a fan of the podcast (Tell Em Steve Dave) that served as the basis for this show, which basically follows the hijinx of the workers/friends/customers at Kevin Smith's comic book store: Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash in New Jersey. It's really like four shows within a show with Smith hosting a visual podcast narrating the action with the stars of the actual show, the actual weirdness that goes on (taping a commercial, a trip to a comic-con gone bad, a street hockey game, etc.) and then it turns into a sort of Storage Wars/Antique Roadshow with folks bringing in their comic-related merchandise either looking to sell or simply brag on. I'm not a comic book guy, but I do like the folks involved and I like the show, but admit that it certainly isn't for everyone.
New Girl - I actually gave up on this Zooey Deschanel vehicle, which had an OK pilot and then went downhill for about five episodes before I took it off my DVR because of general boredom. Around the 15th or 16th episode, I started hearing about how much the show has improved and - having learned a lesson from Parks and Rec - I gave it another shot and was pleased to find that the show had found a voice, found the right level of Zooey-ness without going overboard, and was actually funny. The finale was mediocre with some contrived drama, but I'm still looking forward to Season 2.
Impractical Jokers - A hidden camera show on TruTV about a group of friends who play jokes on each other? Sounds terrible. It's actually insanely funny. This is one of the very few shows that consistently make me laugh out loud with each episode. It is brutally uncomfortable at times and the format takes an episode or two to get used to, but it is incredibly funny.
Hell of Wheels - An OK AMC drama set in 1865 about the creation of the first transcontinental railroad. It was OK enough, and I'm sure I'll check out the second season, but really I kept hearing about how it doesn't hold up close to Deadwood. So now I just really want to watch Deadwood.
I’m not really sure how to write this, so I’m just going to use the map they gave to spectators (which wasn’t exactly right -- part of the crazy Tough Mudder Subterfuge, if you ask me) and I’ll just run through it and we’ll see where this blog goes...
I’ll start Friday night, when we arrived at The Matterhorn Inn, just over 2 miles from Mount Snow in West Dover, Vermont. It is a quaint bed-and-breakfast that has about 30 rooms, a bar, a great room, and a pretty good sized dining room. It’s run by Wanda and Joe Kruszewski, which is Polish, and got me a few brownie points when I told them my grandmother’s maiden name is Czplenski. The 4 of us checked into our room, which had two beds, a mini-fridge, a mini-night stand, and a mini-bathroom. We didn’t mind the cramped space, because M [Ed.’s note: M is Jeff’s wife, Melissa] and I had other things on our mind...
M’s mom and, quoting M now, “manpanion” Fred drove down and stayed there as well in an adjoining room. So Friday night when we were getting settled in and after enjoying the all-you-can-eat pasta buffet, we sat with them in the bar area (which I guess by technical American lingo is a “lounge”) and played cards...and M and I played horribly. And we both knew why: we had a lot on our mind.
Neither of us slept well that Friday night. Nerves, hearing the kids and every move and sound they made, not a super comfortable bed, nerves, anxiety, the heat stuck on “nuclear,” fifteen pounds of delicious pasta sitting in my stomach, and nerves all played into that night’s lack of sleep. Morning came way too soon, and thankfully Joe and Wanda already had coffee out and ready when we stammered into the Great Room before 7 AM.
Coffee. And another cup. Waiting to have breakfast, which we disappointingly found out was not included with the cost of the room like it says on their website. Kind of bummed me out. So we buzzed down the street to 7-11 to get a few pre-made I-think-that’s-sausage-on-a-dry-biscuit sandwiches and some cheese -- it’s Vermont, so of course the 7-11 has cheese for sale, you silly.
Back up to The Matterhorn, which is located next door to the Dover Police Department, which is where the Mooovers Bus stops. This is a small bus with a bike rack in the front and painted white and black to look like a cow. (See, because it’s a cow...and those’re in Vermont...a lot...up until recent memory, there were more cows than people in Vermont --that’s a fact.) By this time, M’s cousin Gretch had shown up, along with her brother, Kevin, and his daughter, Joleen, and M’s other brother, Steve, and her Aunt Kathy. Lotta love and support from the family. We all hopped on the Mooovers Bus, and after three or four more stops, we were at Mount Snow.
Do you get the cable channel G4? There’s a show on there called Ninja Warrior where 100 contestants go to Mount Miduriama in Japan to compete in psycho physical challenges ... this must be what they feel like approaching the mountain. (Only two people have ever done all of them out of the 20+ seasons of Ninja Warrior.) Mount Snow looked imposing -- and from someone who grew up skiing (and has been injured on ski mountains), I’d never feel intimated by a mountain before. Until now.
We all got off the bus and gave our hugs goodbye and got good lucks from everyone; the ones from our two boys meant the most to me. M and I agreed that it is important to show the kids that it’s important to exercise, to try like crazy, and to do everything you can to not quit. Tough Mudder will push that to the Nth degree, and we were proud to march toward the registration table.
There’s a sign at the registration table. It reads, and I quote, “HOW TO SIGN IN AT TOUGH MUDDER: 1. SIGN A DEATH WAIVER 2. SIGN ENTRY AND PARTICIPATION AGREEMENT 3. PICK UP PACKET BY LAST NAME 4. GET FACE MARKED 5. DON’T THROW UP” We did all of that. They also wrote our numbers on our calves. I was 6490 and M was 6491.
I looked up at the mountain and the reality of it all was setting in. To just get to the starting line, you had to scale an eight foot wall. We went over to the bag check area, where we would check a bag that had our wallets and dry clothes and cell phones in them. From there, we went back to the starting area, and watched the 9 AM crew leave. We were slated for 9:20.
M and I scaled the wall and moved up to the starting grid. Unexpectedly, we met up with a friend of ours, Sean -- we knew Sean was doing this, but he had a 10-something start time and we didn’t expect to see him. Sean and I worked together in a previous life and our wives went to college together in a previous life, and he and his wife and their kids are just genuinely good people. They’re the kind of neighbors you’d want to have. Anyway, Sean sneaked in early and was going to start with us...which is cool.
I don’t want to give too much away, because it really is a very special, emotional, and rousing speech, but there’s a man with a microphone who says essentially the same thing every 20 minutes to get people pumped up. He speaks of the Wounded Warrior Project, a foundation Tough Mudder believes very much in -- they’ve donated over three million dollars to the project so far. And he speaks of life and love and overcoming fears and believing in yourself and this isn’t a race because it’s a challenge...it really was touching. Then, we recited the Tough Mudder Oath.
“I understand that Tough Mudder is not a race, but a challenge. I put teamwork and camaraderie before my course time. I do not whine; kids whine. I help my fellow Mudders complete the course. I overcome all fears.”
And then he said “go,” rather calmly, as “Eye of the Tiger” was playing over the loud speakers. And we were off.
The first obstacle is called Braveheart Charge, and it’s where you have a lot of energy and you take off...up a mountain. Up. Way up. And when your energy and adrenaline from going up are zapped, they know it, as you then go back down the mountain. And this is where the mud starts.
I don’t know what you think you know about mud, but toss any and all ideas. You ain’t seen anything like this, ever; unless you’ve done another Tough Mudder. There were several different kinds of mud. There was the sneaker-sucking mud, where if you go too fast it’d vacuum your sneaker right the hell off. There was the mid-shin deep can’t run in it mud. There was the surface-slipping mud, where a non-nutritive cereal varnish five hundred times smoother than teflon was easier to walk on. There was the thin and quick-drying mud, which is what eventually destroyed all footware. There was the thick and rocky mud, which played havoc with exposed skin -- especially on obstacles like Kiss of Mud. (Which I’ll get to in a minute.)
So we’re going down a mountain now, not as easy as it sounds. Once we get to the bottom, there’s our second obstacle, the one I was looking forward to the least: Arctic Enema (formerly Chernobyl Jacuzzi). It’s a huge trash container filled with anti-freeze and ice. Half way through the container there’s a piece of plywood with a black arrow pointing down into the anti-freeze, and barbed wire over the plywood: the only way through is to go under. And so, with M in front of me, I got in, chest deep...and it’s as cold as you can imagine. Shock-to-the-system-cold. At once point, M wasn’t going as fast as I wanted her to and I remember being impatient with her ... when I realized where we were and what we were doing. The impatience left; she’s battling her own demons right now as well. Under she went, and I was right behind her. I held on to my Seahawks hat with one hand and the plywood with the other, and when it was safe to come up I did just that. Stood up, got out, and then started back up the mountain; maybe in a bit of a shock. It was bad, but I did it. I couldn’t’ve been in there for 10 seconds, and I wasn’t under for even two, but it sure felt a lot longer. This was my biggest worry going in to Tough Mudder, and I conquered it. Right now, early on, I’m feeling pretty good about myself...
Third challenge came immediately after, and it’s called Death March. It got its name because you may die on the way to the next obstacle. It’s long, there’s nothing but mud and dirt and trees and fellow Mudders and an occasional sign that reads “YOU SIGNED A DEATH WAIVER” or an occasional bird (I might’ve seen a vulture). M and I did a lot of jogging as training, so whenever the land somewhat-flattened out, we jogged; it was usually her idea, and I am glad she pushed me to do so. So this section of mountain traversing with the occasional jog must’ve been almost two miles long (I don’t really remember). Finally, eventually, we got to Kiss of Mud, our fourth obstacle.
It’s on a slight incline, which gradually gets worse as you get closer to the end, but it’s several-inch deep mud. And you must belly crawl through it, because lifting your head or body up too much will result in hitting a two-by-four and/or barbed wire. So you keep your head down, your body down, your arms down, your legs down, and your butt down, and you army-crawl under twenty yards or so through thick, unpleasant-on-your-knees-and-stomach-mud. Going up. Felt good to finally stand up after that one...
...because we were headed back up the mountain. And this is where the map and reality part ways. Combine that lack of consistency along with many of these obstacles blending one after the other, and I don’t remember all of which-came-when. So I’ll play along with the map, and do the best I can with filling in how it happened. Here goes...
Spider’s Web was next on the map (but I remember it wasn’t actually next) and it’s essentially a cargo net hung eight feet high between two trees and you have to get up and over it. Well, it’s easier when someone is holding the bottom...so M when up-and-over, and then I did...and I’m a lot heavier than she is...and I got up and over and Hulk Hogan Leg Dropped #4606, a woman with colored shorts, and I felt bad about it and told her I owe her a beer at the finish. Aside from some nasty mud ahead, I never saw her again. So the Spider’s Web wasn’t all that bad.
The next on the map (but I know it wasn’t actually next) was Devil’s Beard. Imagine a cargo net steaked to the ground, with little-to-no give about getting under it and through it. That’s this. The kicker is that my legs were starting to bother me in a “hey, I think we’re cramped” kind of way when M saw a guy with a prosthetic leg ahead of us at the Devil’s Beard and all of my cramping vanished. Fake leg. Tough Mudder. Egad. God bless ‘im.
Then there’s Trench Warfare. Mikey caught up with us here, and I never saw him again. Here’s Trench Warfare: dig tunnels, put near-right angles in them, cover them with plywood, send water and rocks and stuff in them... There’s Trench Warfare. The worst part is not seeing “the light” at the end of the tunnel, so you have to listen to your fellow Mudders in front of you about what you’re experiencing. Let me tell you: it works. Claustrophobia will not be your friend here, but remaining calm and listening to your fellow Mudders will absolutely get you through Trench Warfare. Twenty yards or so of crawling through underground tunnels in the pitch black followed by a left turn where you can see light and the end of the tunnel...it’s an awesome obstacle. I recommend it for anyone. There’s a whole lot of good happening there.
Next on the map reads Berlin Walls #1. Ten foot high walls. Up-and-over; how do you do it? Teamwork, camaraderie, strength, and spirit. There were two walls. Not fun at all. In fact, the next set of Berlin Walls is what is making me think twice about doing it again: my upper-body strength isn’t where I want it to be, and I feel like I should have more arm and shoulder strength for this so I can get up-and-over quicker. Anyway, M and I got up and over both of them, and we kept going.
Before I continue, I’d like to remind you we were trudging through mountains and mud and the like between obstacles. Every friggin’ time. It wasn’t glorious, but we did it.
I would also like to mention that there is no way on Earth I could have done this without Melissa. I have no doubt in my mind. She was motivating -- even though she was a bit snarky at times -- and encouraging and a reminder that we trained like hell for this and had to give it our all. All of our all. I needed that reminder sometimes, and I am so glad she was there to give it to me. Thank you, M. I sincerely appreciate everything you did for us.
Hold Your Wood is next on the map. Let me explain. I recall coming up to the top of a peak to find a small mound of logs; some out in the open in a small pile, others sort of half-buried in mud. The object is to take a log and take it around the mountain with you for a given distance. I had no idea how far it was going to be, but I knew I was Go Big Or Go Home. I grabbed a log that was half-submerged in mud; it looks like it had been there for quite a while. Maybe wasn’t even part of Tough Mudder but had accidentally gotten there from some lumberjackers on Mount Snow. I hoisted it up onto my shoulders, it was easily 50 pounds. Probably more; Nolan is pushing 50 pounds and he doesn't feel nearly this heavy. And I started downhill, when I saw M in front of me with a large log on her shoulders as well. Not as large, but big enough for me to say, “Wow! Go M!” I then started singing some old Ren and Stimpy: “It’s loooog, it’s loooog; it’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood! It’s loooog, it’s loooog; it’s better than bad, it’s good!” I think M was the only one who got the reference...and she might’ve ignored me...
This is where I discovered there were shirkers: people who are doing Tough Mudder without actually doing Tough Mudder. I saw several twenty-something guys, all shirtless, with essentially twigs on their shoulders. One guy in particular I wanted to beat with my log because he was using a “log” that would’ve been a challenge for a four-year-old and he was sprinting past all of us. This is not in the spirit of Tough Mudder. I carried something that was probably put there using hydraulics, and he was bouncing like a gazelle on crack.
Anyway, we got down fifty yards or so, then had to go back up the hill...and we did. The reason why I grabbed a gigantic log was to see if I could -- and I can proudly say I did. What I didn’t expect was all of the spectators and their cheers and comments as I went by with this miniature telephone pole, and this absolutely re-charged me. “Yikes! Look at the size of the log that guy has! Great job!” “Keep going, Seahawks! Nice work!” “That’s a really big log, Mommy!” At almost any other point in my life, I could’ve taken half of those comments out of context and giggled, but I was so zoned that the positive vibes just kept me going. I am very grateful for that.
Then, Bale Bonds. Described on the Tough Mudder website as “climbing up and over 100 feet of hay bales.” I thought that was vertically...thankfully, it is not. It’s actually three rows of bales, each probably thirty feet long, and they’re stacked one-over-two, so it looks like a triangle if you’re looking at it from the side. A little bit of a running start, a big jump, and you’re up onto the first one, followed by a smaller jump onto the top, then over, and down the other side. If you don’t mind a few hay cuts and have strong legs, you’re good to go.
Electric Eel is next. A small amount of muddy water, maybe two or three inches deep, and you have to get down on your belly and get across this area with two-by-fours over your head with live electrical wires hanging down. The electricity came in pulses at random; they weren’t always live ... but this did not stop them from getting me at least a half dozen times. At least. And electricity hurts. It really does. The neat thing about an electric shock like that is it’s brief: the pain does not linger like it does for a bruise. Thank God. So once you get across the Electric Eel, you’re ... well, I was shaken a bit. Took me a second to get my wits about me; I didn’t expect it to hurt that much. So M and I gathered ourselves, and started jogging once more.
You ever see something and think, how hard can this be? Enter: Dong Dangler. A cable wrapped in a thick, protective plastic, fifty yards long over a pond, which was constantly being filled with cold mountain water. Wrap yourself around the plastic cable and go across. How hard can this be? We were watching people get up on this cable, wrap their legs around it somehow (either by crossing their legs or their ankles or something), and scoot hand-over-hand across the cable; their bodies hanging down. The part that got my attention was the temperature of the water. It felt like I had done the Arctic Enema again. I had scooted down the cable to the point where my back just barely touched the water, and it wastake-your-breath-away-cold. Rather than use my strength to pull myself up closer to the cable, I unlatched my legs, causing my body to splash into this should-be-ice-water. Luckily, I held on to the cable, and shimmied down the rest of the way while kicking my legs (both for propulsion and warmth). M, who was in front of me, had a similar thing happen to her, only the person in front of her freaked out so hard a guy in a kayak had to come and rescue this woman. Her panic certainly didn’t help anyone, but with her out of the way, M and I were able to get across rather quickly. Getting out of that water was one of the best parts of the experience.
The next obstacle is called Cliffhanger. Here’s why: you’re on a ski mountain. Ski mountains have trails with different difficulty ratings. Green circles are the least difficult trails, followed by blue squares which are more difficult, then black diamond which are for expert skiers. Then there are double-black diamond, for double-expert skiers. A double-black diamond trail is usually near vertical, can force you several dozen feet in the air, and may kill you. I remember as a teenager the first double-black diamond trail I heard about was at Cannon Mountain when it killed a skier. Quoting from Wikipedia, “These trails are even more difficult than Black Diamond, due to exceptionally steep slopes and other hazards such as narrow trails, exposure to wind, and the presence of obstacles such as steep drop-offs or trees. They are intended only for the most experienced skiers.” They will mess you up. And personally, I’ve never skied one...
...but I have climbed up one. This was a near-vertical facing covered in mud and rocks and occasional muddy clump of grass. The only way up was on your hands and knees, if only to keep your center of gravity down. Toppling over backwards would have absolutely caused serious injury to you and probably other Mudders; it was a long way we climbed. A hundred feet? Two hundred? I don’t know. I recall turning around half-way up and admiring the view; it was pretty up there. Getting to the top took a lot of energy and time, but it was worth it.
Then something called Boa Constrictor. Two tunnels filled with cold water, mud, rocks, and more cold water ... barely-keep-your-head-above-water-in-a-tunnel-type-of-more cold water. It’s more psychological than it is physical, I promise, but that does not stop people from freaking out and skipping the obstacle. When you clear the first tunnel, you have about five feet before you enter the second tunnel, and in those five feet you have to stay down because barbed wire says so. Keep your eyes on the end of the second tunnel the whole time, stay focused on it, keep breathing, keep moving, and the next thing you know you’re out. Tunnel vision really works in them tunnels.
Tired Yet? A field, uphill, of car tires and truck tires. I attacked them with passion, like I was at football practice. It felt good to move through something I was familiar with. I was whooped but moved well. I noticed more shirkers here who were just stepping around and next to the tires. Made me a little sad; it really takes the spirit out of it when you don’t even attempt an obstacle.
Then on to Walk the Plank. This is another one of those real-deal obstacles; one you can’t fake or shirk unless you skip it altogether. There’s a platform fifteen feet off the ground over a small pond. It’s simple: climb up to the platform, jump off into the water, swim back to shore. But again, there’s a large element of psychology involved ... well, that, and the ability to swim. Jumping off from fifteen feet up doesn’t sound like much, until you realize your eyes are over twenty feet up (unless you aren’t five feet tall, that is), and looking twenty feet down into the water seems like a long, long way. And it is. And I have an old friend, Mikey, to thank for this.
Years ago -- about 20 of them now -- Mikey and I headed down to Narragansett to visit some friends on a summer weekend (a benefit from going to school in Rhode Island is that you get to drive all over the place to visit friends, and a good friend of ours, Amie, lived in Narragansett), and we all went over to a small, local bridge to try some bridge jumping. I’d never done it before, heights weren’t my thing, and the five of us went. The bridge was about twenty feet up over a river, and being the local, Amie went first. Followed by Mikey. They egged me on, and ... you really are falling for a while. It was longer than I thought it was going to be. I still remember it. So, Mikey, wherever you might be reading this from, thanks.
I took that “I’ve done it before, I can do it again” mentality to this obstacle. M started to hesitate when she saw how far down she’d have to jump, and I think her hesitation was brought on by a girl in front of her -- we’ll call her Kerry (because I can’t remember her real name). Kerry was skittish and afraid to do it and M saw this and took it all in. Eventually, Kerry relented, conquered that fear, and jumped. It was great to watch her. She was so psyched and proud once she got out of the water. So then we got the green light, M was mumbling something about how high up this really is, and I turned to look at her, and smiling I said, “remember where our wills are?” I heard her say, “that’s not funny Jeff!” as I was falling toward the water. By this point, I was used to the cold water. What felt new was how heavy my sneakers were. Like weights. Didn’t expect that. But I swam to shore and stood in the sun, looking behind me and expecting to see M right there...
...only she wasn’t. My eyes followed the path I took to see her still at the top of the platform, knees bent, eyes locked on the water below. “C’mon, M! You can do it!” Nothing. “Jump, M! You can make it!” Still nothing. She stood up and turned around to find me on the shore and shook her head a little.
“I can’t do this!”
“Yes you certainly can!” I had to think for a second. “Remember what we said! ‘I can overcome all fears!’ You can do this, M! I believe in you!” And with that, I saw her turn back, take a deep breath, hold her nose, and jump.
It’s moments like that you find out what you’re made of. Like I jumped 20 years ago or so for the first time, I saw her smiling as she exited the cold water, proud of her accomplishment. And I was very, very proud of her as well. I still am. Conquering your fear is part of being a Tough Mudder. Great work, M.
Epilogue: M saw Kerry as we were leaving Walk the Plank and told her, “I got skittish up there, too. I’m glad we both did it!” Kerry beamed, and so did M. It’s a neat moment I’m glad I got to witness.
Underwater Tunnels ... which were more “underwater” than they were “tunnels.” Pretty much, you have a small pond with logs going across it just a few inches over the water. Over these logs were barbed wire; so the only way past was to go, you guessed it, under them. Through the muddy water. There were three of these logs, with a string of barbed wire going across between them; so once you clear the first log, you go and duck under the barbed wire, then hold the barbed wire for the person behind you so they can go under it, then they grab it, and you go under the next log... This is the obstacle that got an enormous amount of mud in my ears. There was a time on Saturday that I actually could not hear out of my right ear because of the sheer mass of mud in my ear canal. As of Wednesday morning, May 9, I’m still Q-Tipping mud out of my ears. I kid you not.
Glacier is next on the map. It is as it sounds: a freakin’ glacier. Go climb it. The footholds were iffy, it was slippery, and you didn’t want to slide back down because that meant a high probability of taking out a fellow Mudder. But getting to the top wasn’t as bad as you think; you’re about twenty feet up, and it got easier the higher you got. Then, you had to get down. There were grooves dug out for people to slide down. I’d discovered, quite by accident, that I like to stick my left leg out straight in front of me and essentially sit on my right foot and slide down, using my hands to guide me. So I sat in a groove and angrily sung Simon & Garfunkle’s “Slip Sliding Away” on the way down. Got some attention as I angrily blurted out, “YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION, THE MORE YOU’RE SLIP SLIDING AWAY!”
Right from Glacier we went to Funky Monkey. Monkey bars on steroids. All of them. Picture it: our hands were cold and wet, our bodies all had extra weight from being soaked, the rungs were metal, muddy, and some were even greased... How anyone got across, I’ll never know. The guy behind M declared he wasn’t even going to try -- a shirker. She egged him on; don’t know if he gave it a shot or not. Anyway, I made it across four or five rungs before I slipped and fell into...you guessed it: cold water. Got out and we started jogging once more.
Gauntlet is next on the map, and I think it was in real life, too. You know those half-pipes you see at ski mountains? We had to trudge up one...through mud...and snow, as there were people with snow-making machines pointed directly at us -- “snow guns,” they’re called. This was tougher than I thought it was going to be, only because I felt whooped at this point. But we did it.
Then we have Log Jammin. Again, another obstacle that I thought was going to be harder than it was. A series of logs of all different heights across and you had to get by them based on the direction a black arrow was pointing on it. So some you had to go under, and others over; and you were reminded of which way not to go with barbed wire.
On to the reason I’m hesitant to do another Tough Mudder: Berlin Walls #2. These walls were not 10 feet tall, but 12. Say it out loud: get up-and-over a twelve foot wall. The only -- and I mean only -- way for 99% of us to do this was with help. So to all of my fellow Mudders reading this, thank you for your help. There’s no way I could’ve done this course without you. I am also grateful there were only two walls to get up and over; a third would’ve been very difficult, a fourth would’ve been almost impossible for me. I was so whooped by this point. (Must work on more upper-body strength before I do another one of these.) But, lo and behold, once M and I cleared that second wall and I ironed out my ankle (I landed funny off that second wall), we started jogging once again.
Firewalker is more intimidating than it sounds. It’s a lot of fire and smoke and you have to run through it all and boy it isn’t fun...but it’s quick. Take your time and it could be real bad. But you jog through it, stay in the middle, leap over the last one, and you’re done.
Twinkle Toes is a couple of two-by-eights nailed together, about twenty feet long. You walk along the edge to the other side...or, rather, you’re supposed to walk along the edge to the other side. The thing is, the two platforms -- the start and finish -- aren’t connected except by these two-by-eights, so the weight of other people on both sides and on the other two-by-eights effects the stability of your own two-by-eight... Two-thirds-across, down I went. M made it. I was cold and wet once more.
The second to last obstacle has an absolutely perfect name: Everest. It’s a 15 foot half-pipe: go get to the top. There were physically gifted people who can speed their way up, but for the other 95% of us, we need help. That’s just part of being a Mudder. M got up first, and I ran up shortly after...and I struggled. The guys were hanging on to me, but I couldn’t pull myself up any more; I was spent.
It’s here I was reminded that my lack of strength in some areas was replaced by my crazy flexibility -- and thank God for that. I’ll be 37 in a few short months, and with some stretching, I can still do a split. I can still kick the tops of door jambs. And it’s this flexibility and leg strength that got me through Everest. Holding on and trying to pull myself up, I swung my right leg up, putting my knee in my face. M stabilized my ankle, and a guy pulling me up encouraged, “C’MON, BIG FELLA!” With my ankle up on the top (thanks to M) and the guys pulling me up, it was easy at that point to get myself up. It was then I returned the favor: M found her way down, and I stayed up to help some people get to the top. After helping five or six people up, I turned around and started my way down...
This would turn out to be mentally harder than I was ready for. It was, pretty much, a bunch of wooden cross-beams nailed to the two-by-sixes that were holding this half-pipe up. Slipping down through a cross beam would mean a nasty fall. Because we were on a mountain, the part where you run up the half-pipe was 15 feet off the ground ... but going down the other side was 20 feet down, probably more. I watched some other guys for a minute; some turned around, like on a ladder. I went the other way, gingerly putting my butt squarely on a two-by-six and going foot-foot-hand-hand-butt, foot-foot-hand-hand-butt, all the way down. Took longer, but I watched a guy fall through from about five feet up and he hit his head on the cross-beam and he wasn’t very happy about it.
I caught up with M who was talking with Joanna and Dave, friends of ours who were nice enough to come watch our craziness; M and Joanna go way back, and Dave is a mortgage guy like me. Joanna was telling M that the next obstacle is Electroshock Therapy, which is the end. M and I looked at each other and I said, “let’s go!”
When we got there, there was a twenty-something guy who was looking all nervous about it. M told him, “You can do it!” He was hesitant, and then offered that we should all do it together. And in we went...
Probably twenty feet long, it’s a giant, wooden frame, and across the top of this frame are many two-by-fours. And dangling off these two-by-fours are electrical wire like they had in Electric Eel...hundreds of them. Maybe even thousands. To make it more challenging, they now have hay bales you have to go over, thus guaranteeing your body comes in contact with these wires.
And mine did.
My brother-in-law, Steve, heard me loud and clear. Tough Mudder says some of them contain 10,000 volts and will knock you on your butt, and that’s pretty much what happened. I felt it a few times; I stayed lucid and moving I think because of the last of my adrenaline, but don’t kid yourself, electricity hurts. But M and I just kept our legs moving and I kept yelping and we cleared the last hay bale and we grabbed hands and crossed the finish line. I remember the guy on the mic -- the same one at the beginning -- say we looked like a regular wedding cake topper, crossing the finish line hand-in-hand. I remember thinking that’s some messed up wedding cake...
I took my beloved Seahawks hat off for the last time, and had an orange Tough Mudder headband placed on my head. A different person asked me what size t-shirt, and I said XL. There were other freebies, but I don’t remember any of them. And then, we grabbed our celebratory beer, and hugged, and kissed.
The next couple of hours are a bit of a blur, more so than the order of obstacles on the course. People left, I thanked everyone, M went to go get our checked bag, I had an “energy bar,” I texted to my friends and family that we survived and details soon, I offered up my Seahawks hat to the mountain, we got on the cow bus back to the police station/bed-and-breakfast...
But some things, I remember clearly. I remember vividly not being able to remove my sneakers, so I had to force them off my feet. I remember noticing I had two pebbles embedded in my right knee (they were there for two days). I remember shampooing my hair twice in the shower. I remember blowing through all of the soap the bed-and-breakfast had left for us. I remember how good the pizza was that night, and the beer at the bar while playing cards with Fred and M’s Mom.
The next morning, I was glad I had Advil. M declared that she could do it again. I agreed, I too could do it again that day; my body would be very unhappy about it, but I could slowly get it done. Before we went to bed Sunday night, I declared that I was mislead about my ability to do it again that day. My body was stiffening up, bruises were showing up, blood was seeping through my jeans, and I ached from hair to toe nails.
I got a phone call from Sean on Monday. He left me a voicemail saying he was “essentially crippled.” I was sore Monday, but it was worse on Sunday. I’d like to believe it was because of the months of training, but the reality is my body was probably just used to the pain; kind of numb to it.
Even days later when getting out of the shower, I noticed for the first time a bruise on my left tricep that looks like someone put a small, ripe avocado against my arm. Wonder which obstacle put that there... Also got me thinking about the shirkers: they did the Tough Mudder, but they didn’t DO Tough Mudder. We did.
So...here we are. I’ve already pre-registered for Boston in May 2013 -- the first for Boston-proper -- and M and I are seriously looking into the logistics of doing New Jersey in October of this year (on my birthday, no less). I won’t quite admit we’re “hooked” yet, but Tough Mudder is unlike anything I’ve ever tried to do before, ever. It’s so fun and unique and difficult and fantastic, I can absolutely see this turning in to a twice-a-year-or-more event for us.
And I have to reiterate: there is no possible way I could have done this without Melissa. None. And there’s no other teammate I could’ve wanted for my first Tough Mudder, either. I realized this before we were even half-way through. She motivated me and pushed me and proved to me that she was the right choice for a partner. Oh, I know I helped her too, and that’s what Tough Mudder’s all about: helping out your fellow Mudder.
My running sneakers got tossed. I treated myself to a new pair yesterday -- $39.98 for New Balance; I’m pretty psyched about that. I hope to try them out tonight. And they’ll last the year until Tough Mudder Boston 2013...
How much of Kim's winnings will go toward teeth whitening?
By Kerri Fleming
Generally, I'm against using the phrase "most deserving" in reference to Survivor participants. Mainly because there are a billion ways to play the game. You can be a strategic mastermind, but if you're entirely unlikeable, you're still going to lose (Russell). You can be athletically gifted and dominate challenges, but if you don't have a game plan, you're still going to lose (Matt). The game is really about knowing what your own strengths and capabilities are, quickly adapting to the strengths and weaknesses of those around you, playing your cards right, and sheer dumb luck. So if being sweet and riding the coattails of a disgusting person is your strategy, more power to you.
That being said, it's pretty obvious that Kim was the best Survivor player by far this season. She thought multiple steps ahead, juggled two seemingly tight alliances, and did a great job figuring out how various moves would appear to a jury. She also understood when to be honest and fess up to something and when to point the finger at someone else. So when Jeff fast-forwarded in time, carrying the jar of votes several months into the future, when the Survivor contestants go from looking like smelly frat boys to professionally done up beauty queens, it was appropriate and right that Kim easily took the cake and the $1 million.
But just because something is right doesn't mean it's not kinda boring.
Don't get me wrong. Congrats to Kim and all that. But this season reeks of one where I will remember exactly nobody in about six months (well, maybe Tarzan). They'll probably bring Alicia or Troyzan back for another All-Star season and I'll say, "Wait, which one was she again?" "How did I forget a guy named Troyzan?" Even the final tribal council, the place where Susan Hawk's snake v. rat debate was born 20-some-odd seasons ago, was disappointingly tame. Kat sounding wise and mature? Alicia telling people she loves them? Half the people not even asking questions, just making general statements about life, love, and open-heart surgery? WHAT KIND OF REALITY SHOW IS THIS?
Let's start at the top. Kim, Chelsea, Sabrina, Christina and Alicia return to camp after voting off Tarzan, happy about being the final five and keeping the girls alliance strong for so long. Alicia celebrates by doing what Alicia always does when a celebration's in order: she gets undeservedly cocky. Because if nobody else is going to admit she has all the power and congratulate her on playing "one hell of a game," she'll just do it herself!
After Kim spends much of her next morning terrifying Sabrina by suggesting they might want to vote Chelsea out next, the gang heads to the first immunity challenge - an obstacle course that consists of racing through a balance beam maze, climbing across a rope net, untying puzzle pieces, completing a puzzle, discovering a combination, and pulling a lever. But really, the challenge could be How to Dress in Camouflage or How to Wear Unflattering Bikini Tops and Kim STILL would have beaten Chelsea and Alicia (while Sabrina and Christina apparently napped toward the starting line).
Armed with two immunity idols and two separate alliances, Kim's sitting on a mound of power back at camp. She toys between finally deciding which alliance gave her the best bet to win, dancing between voting for Chelsea and Alicia. At tribal council, Chelsea is the only person to really plead her case to Kim, saying this vote could gain or lose some standing with the jury based on how she voted. In the end, Kim sided with Chelsea and Sabrina, voting out Alicia and causing Kat to complain that now Kim had blindsided both Kat AND Alicia. (Wouldn't it have been a blindside no matter WHO she voted for at this point? Nevermind, Kat's logic muscle has probably drowned in margarita at this point.) Alicia goes out in typical Alicia fashion, taking the opportunity to call out Christina, telling her she "sucks," even though Christina didn't even vote for Alicia.
Back at camp, Kim apologizes to Christina for ending their alliance. Christina reacts calmly and understandingly because, after all, Christina is a robot. Apparently that was her game plan all along:
1. Don't try in challenges 2. Be a robot and don't try to save yourself from being voted out. 3. ??????? 4. Profit!
Because the next 20 minutes of our lives were eaten up by the ridiculously stupid "remembrance of fallen competitors montage," ("Oh Alicia! Remember when we voted her out six hours ago? I'll always miss her spunk and terrible personality.") I instead give you a visual representation of how the remembrance montage makes me feel:
Back to another immunity challenge! This one involves using one of those claw grabbers to move 10 small bowls through a wire maze and then stack them on top of a spring system. It's Jenga meets pick-up-sticks meets me that summer when I broke both my legs and had to use those claws to get anything more than three feet off the ground. It gets down to Christina and Kim before a big gust of wind slows Christina down long enough for Kim to take yet another victory.
Normally, I would think this would be something of a difficult decision for Kim. Sure, she has already stuck with Chelsea and Sabrina once, but judging from Christina's reputation with everyone, there cannot be a way she'd get any votes. Still, when Christina asks, Kim tells her that she's voting her out. So much for drama. In fact, the only drama was when Jeff remarked in tribal council on how little drama there was and Troyzan's head looked like it was going to explode. I kind of wish Kim did take Christina to the final three because I would have loved to see her suffer through the opening statement (nevermind the questions).
After a brief getting-to-know-you section that probably should have taken place 10 episodes ago so we actually would care who won, where we learn Sabrina was recently laid off from her schoolteacher position in Brooklyn and Kim is newly divorced, we head over to the final tribal council.
Finally! Drama city, right?! Some reason to sit through two-plus hours of this stuff? Not so fast, cowboy. Here are the highlights of the extremely tame jury process:
- Chelsea's strategy to play with her head and not her heart led her to not develop relationships with any other competitor and resulted in everyone thinking she's a cold person. Hmm, maybe Kim was smarter than us all taking Chelsea instead of Alicia and Christina.
- Tarzan, looking a little too much like Samuel Clemens, took the opportunity to perform a little spoken-word ode to his wife, which is both sweet and a little odd. If it meant so much for him to have her visit him on Survivor, then why did he leave her in the first place? I wonder if maybe she's sick or something. Which still doesn't answer the question of why he left her for a few months to be on a silly reality show. (Full disclosure: I wrote this before I watched the Reunion show so it's possible this question is answered. If so, ignore me.)
- Alicia's inflated sense of self-importance is baffling. She likens her game to Kim's, saying that while Chelsea and Sabrina were Kim's pawns, Christina and Tarzan were hers. Or they were only voting with her because that's who everyone else was voting for, too. Even Tarzan said he was doing whatever Kim told him to. Alicia is seriously deranged, and yet she still doesn't end the questioning with a few sassy fingersnaps and a good ole "hell to the naw!" Boo!
- The biggest upset came from Kat, who shocked everyone by giving a mature speech about how being angry and holding onto grudges is unhealthy. Especially if you have a condition that requires multiple heart surgeries. I'm still not 100% sure why she needed to share this at the final tribal council, but I guess it shows she's grown up a little on the show, even if she was muttering swears and rolling her eyes the night before at the last tribal council. Baby steps.
After all was said and done, Kim won convincingly, save for a couple of votes thrown Sabrina's way. Chelsea got absolutely no love, but she was voted Hottest Survivor Girl of the Season by the male contestants, according to Jonas, so that's at least good for a couple free drinks.
In the end, I think this season might have been one of the worst. Very little drama, very few people we actually care about (both good and bad). The Coaches and Boston Robs and Russells of the world might be annoying to some but at least they are worth tuning in for. Kim might deserve to win, but that doesn't mean I'll enjoy watching her.
Now that Tarzan's time on Survivor is over, he can practice more filling in for Bobby on the Brady Bunch intro.
By Kerri Fleming
Remember just a few weeks ago, when life on Survivor island was simpler? From the very first time this latest crop of contestants landed on the beach right up past the merge, it's been a boys-vs.-girls, battle-of-the-sexes showdown. Billy Jean King vs. Bobby Riggs? Child's play! This was Colton vs. Christina, Kim vs. Troyzan, Chelsea vs. Tarzan, where we're all winners and the only loser was common decency.
But trying to keep straight all of the alliances, and sub-alliances, and backup alliances, and altered alliances now that she said that behind my back, is pure insanity. My notes after watching the latest episode read like a note passed back and forth between sixth-graders: "Chelsea thinks she's friends with Sabrina and Kim; Chelsea thinks Tarzan and Alicia are mistaken about their friendship with Kim; Chelsea trying to be nice to Christina; Christina immediately tells Alicia, Tarzan and Kim behind Chelsea's back; Kim tells Chelsea that Christina told everyone what Chelsea said." And then I was all, What? And she was all, I know! And we were all, Let's get some Tylenol because this is seriously giving me a headache.
The SparkNotes version of where things stand throughout this episode, as far as I understand them, goes something like this:
- Kim is in an alliance with Chelsea and Sabrina
- Kim is in another alliance with Alicia and Christina (and Tarzan)
- Both of Kim's alliances think she's with them; I don't think Kim really knows who she's with until she has to know
- Alicia thinks she's the mastermind, but that's just because Kim has brainwashed her because of Kim's hauntingly mesmerizing eyes (just ask Sabrina and Tarzan)
- Tarzan may or may not be in an alliance with Kat's leftover clothing
Things get started as soon as they arrive back from the previous tribal council, everyone still aghast at the stupidity that is Kat. Tarzan pulls first Kim aside, then Alicia, telling each of them that they should stick with each other, Christina and Tarzan because Chelsea and Sabrina are more likely to get votes. This is a decent strategic move by Tarzan. What is NOT a strategic move is promising each woman that if they keep him until the final four, he will campaign for her with the other jury members. (Foreshadowing!)
The next morning, Chelsea reaches out to Christina, trying to point out to her the danger of sticking with Tarzan and Alicia while conveniently leaving out the fact that absolutely no one will vote for Christina no matter who she's with anyway. Still, Chelsea promises to take Christina along with her if she wins reward, then warns her to beware her friendship with Alicia.
Before we go on, I want to revisit that last sentence: Christina has a FRIENDSHIP WITH ALICIA. I'm sorry, but is this not the same Alicia who has been trying to get Christina voted out ever since she stapled herself to Colton's obnoxious coattails a million years ago? Alicia has been nothing but an angry bully to Christina, but by fate and circumstance, NOW they're best friends?! What would Colton think, Alicia? WHAT WOULD COLTON THINK?????
Back to the game. Christina does the only thing Christina is good at, which is completely blab every single thing Chelsea said to her to Alicia, Tarzan and Kim. "Can you BELIEVE she wants me to go against you guys? Nuts, right? And I can't wait to go on reward with her!" Kim relays the conversation to a rightfully annoyed Chelsea, who really should have known better from the start but who I can't fault for being ticked off.
Onto the reward challenge, where everyone has to unscrew discs dizzy-bat style then solve a puzzle that looks like a Little Orphan Annie decoder ring. Ah, dizzy bats: all the fun of drunken stumbling without the danger of alcohol poisoning. As we all knew would happen, Chelsea wins the reward (an overnight on a yacht complete with a shower and fancy foodstuffs) and as we all knew would happen, does not take Christina. Instead she takes her pals, Sabrina and Kim, and everyone groans since Kim has legitimately eaten better during her time on Survivor than I have in any one-month period of my life (are croutons a meal? You betcha!).
While Chelsea, Kim and Sabrina enjoy their showers and wear clothes that make them look like they just got initiated into a cult, Tarzan, Alicia and Christina do a fine job of working themselves into a tizzy. They're mad Kim got to go on another reward. They're mad Chelsea reneged on her offer to take Christina. Seeing an opening, Tarzan gets them to want to vote out Chelsea next and Alicia is ALL OVER THAT. She's sassy!
The next day is not a good one for Tarzan, who starts it in his normal way - start a fire, wash his hair, eat some rice, count down the hours until he loses whatever immunity challenge Jeff has laid out for him. He's going to go out in style though, and that means using his dirty buff as a colander. You just try to stop him.
Everything that had fired Alicia up the previous day seems to have disappeared overnight and she immediately opens up to Kim about everything she talked about with Christina and Tarzan, like any great strategic mastermind is wont to do. Kim quickly convinces Alicia that Tarzan is playing her, helped as she is by Tarzan's stupidly promising both women to help them with the jury. Just like that, Alicia and Christina are back with the rest of the women. Because Alicia is the queen of the social game and the most powerful player. Obviously.
The immunity challenge involves fishhooks and bags and a puzzle that looks like a giant fish skeleton and having one arm tied behind your back. Meh. The important thing is that it came down to Kim and Alicia and somehow, to the surprise of everyone including herself, Alicia pulls it out. Behold the power of the zebra-print bikini! Her students must be rejoicing right now (although that's probably because Survivor has allowed them to escape from her for a good month).
Tarzan does some scrambling back at camp, but somewhere along the way, his strategy now includes putting on the discarded clothes of a voted-out contestant. Namely, Kat's pink tank top as a shirt (weird) and her panties as a hat (weirder). I suppose that's better than using it as a cooking pot or hammock or something.
At tribal council, Tarzan again pleads his case, that he voted with the girls and therefore, probably won't get a ton of votes from the predominantly male jury (a theory later proven with a one-fingered salute from Michael). Michael's not the only jury member leaving a mark, as Kat starts crying when she learns that Tarzan was using her undergarments to create the world's first panty fedora, then calls her former BFFs a certain not-nice word when they talked about voting her out for taking people she liked on a reward.
It's all a song and dance, really. Tarzan is gone, complete with a poem he wrote for this precise moment, leaving five women for the finale. Is there any chance at all that Kim won't win? Or has Christina's game up until this moment been an elaborate game of possum and she is going to BRING IT in the final couple of days? Oh, I slay me. But tune in.
Funny what winning $1 million does to your spirits.
By Kerri Fleming
With the Amazing Race's season coming to a close Sunday night, I decided to honor the less-than-stellar final four teams in their own little way. For Dave and Rachel, I wrote 80% of a blog post recap, several long-winded paragraphs long, only to accidentally delete it without saving. For Rachel and Brendon, I am not too proud to say there were a few tears and general whining (although I am home alone so only my dog thinks less of me now). For Art and JJ, I'm going to get back on that sled and keep trying until my elbows are skinned and my body is bruised (wait, what?). Oh, and for Vanessa and Ralph? I guess I'm going to call my plastic surgeon and readjust my fake eyelashes.
So yes, this is attempt number two. And because I'm old and it's getting near my bedtime and whining really does take a lot out of you, this final "recap" will be more of a top 10 moments of the finale. For a full recap, here's Entertainment Weekly's website. (Click around! There's also a sneak peak of Lady Gaga as a Simpsons cartoon!)
10. The finale kicked off with a rare Planes, Trains, and Automobiles leg, where the teams had to go from India to Osaka, Japan, via cab, plane, bus, train and ferry. They later also traveled by helicopter and standing paddleboat. What were they missing? Horseback ride? Hot-air balloon? Hippogriff?
9. When they fell behind the other teams after missing a bus, Rachel put on an impressive display of multitasking by yelling at Brendon while applying eye makeup on a MOVING BUS. That kind of performance should put her in the Passive Aggressive Hall of Fame (where the motto is, "I guess that's an OK place to put a hall of fame if that's where you really want to put it.") Later in the episode, after Vanessa overcomes a pretty serious and nasty-looking sprained ankle to finish the Japanese game show competition, she channels her stress about being in last place while adjusting her fake eyelashes in the cab on the way to the next clue. Please remind me why these girls hate each other? They seem like the types of gals who should be at the bar sipping cosmos and making snobby comments about all the other girls in the place.
8. Japanese game shows are the best thing in the world. Do they really have a show where contestants have to run on a treadmill while retrieving rubber chickens above their head and then crossing a finish line? Or one that involves BINGO, sushi, a conveyor belt, and a bunch of people making bizarre faces and hand gestures to the camera? Probably not, as there's not nearly enough opportunities for serious bodily damage. Still, love it. They should do something like this every season.
7. I've made fun of the dating divorcees but I do have to give them props. To Vanessa for actually sticking with the road block that is pretty much the textbook definition of what NOT to do when you have an injured ankle. And to Ralph for being a pretty decent guy. He supported his crazy girlfriend's health, and then supported her craziness, and then was moved to tears talking about how proud he was of her when they were finally eliminated. He's going to change a lot of lives when he and Brendon form Decent Men With Terrible Taste in Women Anonymous.
6. Once the final three teams made it to their final destination in Hawaii, it really came down to luck of the cabbie draw. Dave and Rachel got a decent cabbie who Dave immediately bonded with over their Army careers. JJ and Art? Not so much. But it's hard to feel bad for them after they employed the "follow the leader" strategy after spending the previous 11 legs complaining about Rachel and Brendon for doing that exact thing.
5. The challenge where both teammates had to ascend up a 45-story building and then rappel back down FACE FIRST? That would seriously finish me off right there. I mean, c'mon. Was the face-first really necessary? Why don't you cover the sidewalk with poisonous snakes and camel spiders and just turn the whole thing into my Dante's Inferno?
4. It was nice to see Brendon get a chance to melt down a little bit, and to hear the hypocrisy when Rachel told him that "No one said winning $1 million would be easy" and to stop "freaking out." Fast forward 20 seconds in the future, when Rachel realizes it's her fault that they went the wrong way and are now dead last and then refuses to run to catch up. She responds by telling her fiance that she hates him and then throws the clue at him. But hey, no one said losing $1 million would be easy, either.
3. Everyone mentioned during the choreographed dance challenge a couple weeks ago how good it was to have a female partner in that scenario. I think the sledding road block was really the time to be thankful for a female teammate. Despite his ever-supportive teammate's accusations, Art's problem wasn't that he wasn't athletic enough; it was that he was too big for that narrow sled and his bodyweight was tipping him over. Compare that to petite Army Rachel, who finished in about 30 seconds flat, or even Big Brother Rachel, whose bad attitude should have outweighed even Art but who was still a little more aerodynamic than the border patrol agent. In a game where all-female teams have struggled with physical challenges because their bodies just couldn't take it, it's kind of nice to see the shoe on the other foot.
2. One thing that was really missing from this finale was the recap challenge, where the teams are tested on how well they remember where they went and what they did there. I always look forward to this one because I like to remember back to all of the fun places they went. Plus, as I like to watch the show while also pretending that I'm competing, I would totally keep a journal that records all of this stuff at the end of each leg. THANKS FOR RUINING MY ADVANTAGE, PHIL!
1. I loved the altered personalities of all the teams that hit the finish line. Dave couldn't stop talking about how much he appreciates his soldier...I mean wife. He appreciates her ALMOST as much as he appreciates winning eight legs. TEAM ARMY STRONG. Then JJ goes from complaining about how pointless it would be to come in second to how happy he was to hang out with his buddy and how they're both winners. But Rachel took the cake, pouting and dragging her feet right up until she could see the finish line and the cameras and all those former teams. Then she was all smiles and good attitudes. Barf.
In all, a pretty forgettable season of the Race, to be honest. And if any team other than Mark and Bopper make it to an All-Star season, I will be very disappointed. But that might be the jealousy over not being able to compete in Bring That Chicken Home.
UMass' biggest problem for strengh of schedule is that elite programs often won't schedule UMass in Amherst in cold weather months.
And it's hard to blame them. If you're North Carolina or Duke or Virginia, who aren't used to playing in cold weather, why would you put yourself at that kind of disadvantage. Those schools all have plenty of schedule strength because of their ACC games against each other.
If this were basketball you could say, well suck it up and go play them down there. But in basketball, you'd get paid a significant amount to do that, enough to cover you're travel and make some money. That doesn't happen in college lacrosse.
In an interview earlier this year, Cannella said UMass spent $30,000 for its trip to Ohio State this year. It'll spend similarly for a trip to North Carolina next year. There's only so many times you can shell out money like that in a year. UNC will play UMass in a to-be-announced neutral site game down the road, but not at Garber Field.
And Ohio State turned out to be mediocre. Army and Bucknell weren't outstanding either. It's not like UMass scheduled Vermont, Holy Cross and Providence. They played strong programs in down years. On top of that, the CAA was down. Hofstra is usually a relaibly good SOS game. Penn State and Drexel faded too.
And oh yeah, Syracuse won't play UMass in Amherst anymore, a game that was always an SOS booster.
How can they fix that?
Is UMass one of the four best teams in the country? Who can say for sure. But the tournament won't necessarily determine that. The Minutemen and Duke could both be a top four team, but at least one of them will be out before the Final Four.
Where would immature brats like Kat be today if it wasn't for trailblazers like Kit Keller?
By Kerri Fleming
If Survivor was a scripted show and its contestants eligible to win Emmys, Golden Globes, SAG Awards, the Publisher's Clearing House, and whatever other fancy shmancy hardware they seem to give famous people every other week, tonight I would begin my campaign for Kat Edorsson as Best Supporting Actress. Seriously, name another TV personality who has shown the same range of emotion in one one-hour episode as Kat. We had elation at winning a reward challenge, excitement at seeing her cousin-slash-soulmate, anger at not winning immunity, frustration at people saying negative things about her, giddiness at the idea of blindsiding Sabrina, and heartbreak when Jeff finally snuffed her torch. Susan Lucci, eat your heart out.
Things kick off at camp, where everyone is relieved to have a big, Troyzan-shaped weight off their shoulders. Finally, it's just the girls!...And, you know, that one guy. But whatevs. Alicia is already thinking about next week and needing to get rid of Sabrina, who poses far more of a threat than Tarzan and Christina. Plus, Alicia has to think early and often - she's the mastermind. Just ask her! She just WANTS you to think Kim is in charge, and she's doing a bang-up job of it by allowing Kim to make all of the decisions and tell everyone else who to vote for. Genius.
The next day, tree mail is sponsored by Sprint, which means one thing: Sprint plug! Did you know that Spring makes cell phones? And that you can make phone calls and videos with said phones? It's true! Sometimes I just like to sit back with my Sprint 4G device, watching high-def videos of my loved ones telling me how great I am while sipping a 7-Up (the uncola!) and watching Jack and Jill, starring the irrepressible Adam Sandler. I'm a big fan.
The two most sympathetic Survivors are immediately evident: Tarzan, whose touching relationship with his wife of more than 30 years is so sweet and romantic that it almost makes you forget that he threw poopy underwear in the tribe's cooking pot, and Christina, whose father recently had an organ transplant and only has a few years to live. Knowing this means one of two things: either someone with a heart will win and share their reward with Tarzan and Christina OR some selfish moron will win and ruin their own chances at winning Survivor by NOT taking them.
Enter Kat, displaying her newly discovered sense of cocky energy, courtesy of Troyzan's final words of encouragement and the sight of her cousin, with whom she apparently has an Angelina Jolie-and-her-brother relationship. The challenge was for each contestant and their partner to maneuver through a rope maze while attached to each other and the rope. It was quickly obvious that the people everyone was hoping would win - Tarzan, Christina, and Sabrina, who mentioned numerous times how she wanted to take Tarzan and/or Christina with her for the reward - soon fell behind. Neck and neck with Kim at the end, Kat and Boy Kat, or so I've dubbed her cousin since he really is a male version of her, right down to the earrings, pulled out the win.
Kat reacted like all mature adults do - by jumping and hooting and hollering like I do when I beat my husband in Trivial Pursuit. (Sorry, honey, the correct answer is "the Moops.") Further throwing it down everyone's throat, she selects Kim (the same Kim who didn't take her when she won last week) and Alicia and their respective sisters. Sorry, Christina and Christina's sick dad! Sorry, Tarzan and Jane (or, I guess, Terri)! Emotion and true love cannot stand in the way of Kat getting her drink on with her girls, am I right?! SPRING BREAK 2012!
Kat's position with the tribe immediately falters, with Sabrina and Chelsea working themselves into a frenzy about her injustice to Christina and Tarzan. When the reward-goers return, Chelsea broaches the subject with Kim, who just finished margarita-toasting a final three of her, Alicia, and Kat. Awk-ward.
The immunity challenge was one of those that looks far easier than it probably was. It looked like they were just hanging out, but they were also attached to what looked like a medieval torture device. Furthering the ambiance was Jeff, who controlled the task's difficulty with a severe-looking cogged wheel. The whole thing kind of reminded me of the final scene of Braveheart, except it was sunny and on a beach and nobody was dying and it was for a possible shot at $1 million instead of freedom for an entire people and the crazy person on the set was the harmless Tarzan rather than Mel Gibson. Otherwise, just the same.
Much like the reward challenge, it came down to Kat and Kim. Kat, realizing she didn't have much time before her hands would give out on her, completed her transformation into Kit Keller, whining, "I want to win. Kim wins all of them." Except, you know, yesterday. Besides, you wouldn't even be in this league if it wasn't for your sister Dottie! And lay off the high ones!
After Kat finally falls in, she officially enters petulant child mode, so much so that she may owe Lori Petty money for copyright infringement. She pouted over her loss, cried, refused to congratulate Kim, and turned her back as Jeff presented Kim with the immunity necklace. Later, she expresses the real source of her frustration: she lost to a 28-year-old woman! I mean, for goodness sake, Kim is ANCIENT! She's only six years older than Kat, but those six years are the hardest. I can't believe she didn't break a hip falling into the water. Those are really her natural teeth? AND she can eat corn on the cob with them? She's a miracle of modern science!
If Kat could have done more to put a huge target on her back, I can't think of what it might be. Sabrina and Chelsea were already turned off by her immaturity and selfishness after the reward challenge and this performance didn't exactly sway them. Alicia, who has been ready to vote for Sabrina since Troyzan's torch was still smoldering, realizes that Kat is more of a threat in immunity challenges than Sabrina, and need I remind you that Alicia is the mastermind behind this whole thing. Despite the fact that Tarzan's new nickname for Kim is "boss lady" (although that could just be because Tarzan doesn't know what Kim's name is).
From the get-go, Kat is the target at tribal council, so much so that I can't imagine she wouldn't get worried about being voted out. Except, you know, she's an idiot. Sabrina and Chelsea call her out for being naive and immature and too quick to play the "I don't know any better; I'm only 22!" card far too often. When everyone points out how she reacted to losing the immunity challenge by pouting, she reacts by pouting. But she perks up when the idea of blindsides are brought up. "Blindsides are fun and exciting!" she gushes.
She must have been psyched when Jeff read the votes and it was her getting knocked out. Twenty-two or not, homegirl was right: Blindsides ARE super fun! Normally, I don't pay that much attention to the final words from the eliminated contestant, but I couldn't stop myself from Kat, my favorite Survivor this year (for entertainment purposes, not for actually hoping she'd win purposes). Her comments were barely audible through the sobbing tears except for the fantasticly indignant "I LEFT BEFORE CHRISTINA AND TARZAN!" If she's not on the next All-Stars, I'm going to be terribly disappointed.
How could you possibly expect her to get rid of such natural-looking hair?
By Kerri Fleming
Sometimes, your heart hopes for something that your brain knows isn't going to happen. As a teenager, I had a borderline stalkerish obsession with former Red Sox first baseman Brian Daubach. Daubber was a decent ballplayer, capable of streaks where it seemed like everything he hit went out of the park. He was also capable of streaks where my dog could strike him out. I knew he'd never make an All-Star team. But that didn't stop my heart from voting for him as many times as I could log into MLB's website. Sometimes, your heart can't be stopped.
That was how I felt watching this week's episode of the Amazing Race. Mark and Bopper were so far behind, the other four teams were already four steps ahead of them by the time they even left the pitstop. Our boys were in rough shape (Bopper's knee, Mark's heat and dehydration issues) and in desperate need of an equalizer, i.e. a plane trip to another country where the only flight was several hours in the future. Alas, that was not to be. And since they were already saved last week with a non-elimination leg, our brains knew what was going to happen. But our hearts definitely had some reasons to keep the hope alive.
Teams left the pitstop in India with instructions to get to a local temple and receive a traditional blessing. All four of the remaining teams - all of which include at least one member everyone at home is happy they're not married to or friends with (or even stuck behind in line at the bank) - intersperse the importance of being respectful of another culture with snarky comments about the rest of the teams. Rachel and Brendon want to last longer than JJ and Art and Vanessa and Ralph, employing a new game plan that involves less emotion (ha!). They have a good chance, since JJ has come down with a cold and Vanessa is bragging about her physical ability, the laws of foreshadowing predicting she's going to struggle physically at some point this leg. (Get it? Leg?)
After getting the blessing, the teams realize their next clue also includes the final Fast Forward. The only team with a legitimate chance to use it is Brendon and Rachel. They head down to another local temple and find a couple of priests who happen to be wielding some serious shears. Turns out both team members have to shave their heads, a la Uchenna and Joyce in Season 7. Unlike Joyce, Rachel is not ready to lose her luscious locks. I mean, it's taken her 20 years, $500 worth of extensions, and bucketloads of Clairol Nice 'N Easy to get her hair that long and unnaturally colored! It was either that or get a nosejob, am I right?!
Brendon, sensing the meltdown that is about to happen if he pushes the topic, pulls Rachel away to go back to the next clue, and to him I must say, good show.
The couple eventually catches up with the rest of the teams at the road block, where one person has to weave and roll 40 feet of rope from coconut hair. Despite the sexist views on gender roles employed by all the teams this season, somehow every team sends up a male to do complete the task. Even more shockingly, we only got one stupid comment about it. (Ralph: "Dave, how did we end up doing this?" Because clearly all women in the 21st century are expert rope weavers. We learn it in Girl School, along with how to perform choreographed Indian dances and to get overly emotional when things aren't going our way. Duh.) But to be fair to Ralph, he probably had some weird emotions going on throughout the task, while wearing his traditional weaving skirt. He is, after all, the only boyfriend Vanessa has had in her 38 years that isn't a cross-dresser. Rachel's "that is far too much information than I needed" face at that little nugget was priceless.
Dave and Ralph soon jump ahead of the group, thanks to Dave's weaving skills and Ralph's rope-rolling ability. That leaves Big Brother's Rachel alone with JJ while their respective teammates finish up, giving JJ plenty of time to get angry that Rachel and Brendon left an opening for Team Kentucky to come from behind and to mess with her head about not shaving it. Good to see his cold isn't affecting his chivalry.
The part everyone who has seen a commercial for the Amazing Race this week was waiting for came as Ralph and Vanessa ran from the road block to their next clue. Vanessa stumbled and immediately grabbed her ankle, saying she felt something pop and that she already had a screw in that leg. With visions of their elimination and Mark and Bopper staying alive for another round, she soon hopped up, tested her leg, and deemed herself just ducky. HOW DARE YOU TEASE US LIKE THAT, EDITORS.
At around this time, Mark and Bopper just left the pitstop and face their first challenge: a speed bump in which they have to paint a tiger's face on a fat guy's stomach. Ah, memories of prom night.
The rest of the teams then moved on to the detour, where they had to either decorate an elephant and then transfer 15 wheelbarrows' worth of its manure to a truck or pack up 15 boxes of ginger root, stencil labels on the boxes, and deliver them to...the ginger factory, I'm assuming? All of the teams except Art and JJ opted for the elephant challenge, if only to cross "decorate an elephant" off their bucket lists. All three teams make quick work of the decorating portion and Dave and Rachel - who actually communicated fairly well and not passive-aggresively - dove right into the manure shoveling, driven by their Midwestern work ethic (I love being such a lazy New Englander).
Much to the delight of the producers, Rachel and Brendon and Vanessa and Ralph began the shoveling at around the same time. Team Big Brother, driven by Rachel's guilt over the Fast Forward and Brendon's deep understanding of all things wheelbarrow instilled in him by his father, moved quickly, so obviously they must be cheating. Vanessa should know - she stopped doing her own work just so she could count how many wheelbarrow loads they had. It's the only way to win!
The three teams have no trouble getting to be the first three at the pitstop. Dave and Rachel have now won six legs (this time taking home $10,000 each, or $20,000 total if they don't get divorced before the finish line). Rachel and Brendon arrived just seconds before Vanessa and Ralph, and the ever-mature 38-year old (did she mention she is 38? Because she's 38. In case you were wondering how old she is, she's 38. Just ask her. Like Curt Schilling - 38) tells Phil that she thinks Rachel and Brendon cheated with the wheelbarrows. Nevermind that the producers would have told them that from the get-go and they'd currently be sitting to the side with a time penalty if it were true. The two girls get into yet another catfight, one in which Vanessa looks even more ridiculous and petty (if that were possible), and then have one of the fakest "make-up" sessions ever. Best line: "I'll shake your hand but I'm not giving you a hug." Cue fake laughs all around.
Over in the Ginger Garden, JJ and Art realize quickly that they made the wrong choice but decide to power through it anyway. Even when they start sweating like Mark performing an Indian dance. Even when JJ slices his hand open on a box. Even when their delirium leads them to start channeling Dave and Rachel's bickering (I have to give it to them...that was pretty awesome).
Meanwhile, Mark and Bopper decide to check the Fast Forward, on the outside chance that it involves shaving your head and Rachel decided to wuss out of it. Hey, guess what! The challenge is to shave your head, and Rachel totally wussed out of it! Score! The guys dive right into the idea of a shave without hesitation, then gush about how much they look like twins now. OH MY GOD, HOW CAN WE SAY GOOD-BYE TO THESE MEN???
Fancy editing make it seem as though Mark and Bopper and Art and JJ were on the way to the pitstop at around the same time, but everyone kind of knew better. I must say that Art and JJ's reaction on the mat was fantastic, as they didn't know where everyone else was. When Phil welcomed them with his serious "you are definitely not in first place" voice, JJ's eyes started welling up with the idea that they might be eliminated. When they realized they were safe, he tried to play it off but Phil totally called him out on it. Meanwhile, Art's reaction was an exhausted, "Yes!...I am so tired." More of that, please, guys. Less the bratty stuff.
Anyway, Team Kentucky is officially gone, much to my heart's chagrin. Now, my stupid heart is hoping somehow that Team Army's Rachel, Art, Brendon, and Ralph can somehow win as a team and Dave, JJ, Big Brother's Rachel, and Vanessa can somehow be left in India. Hey, a girl can dream, right?
Kat's angry face. Or she just landed awkwardly on something that is about to be pixelated on my TV screen.
By Kerri Fleming
While no one gets more enjoyment out of watching and recapping a show with multiple Tarzan wannabes week after week, I'm officially ready for the "sitting duck" portion of this season to be done and gone. We still have another week left of knowing exactly who's getting voted out before the episode even starts (smell those poopy undies later, Tarzan!) but I'm officially ready for some drama. The producers, God love 'em, gave it a go and there was plenty to go with, what with Kat turning a reward challenge win into a middle school "why didn't she pick ME to sit next to on the bus?!" cry-fest. And the fact that everyone hates Christina, tells Christina as much, and she STILL thinks she's got a chance at the top three. Oh honey. You could catch and cook a live pig and they'd still vote you Least Likely to Succeed.
But let's take it from the top. After another man bit the dust last week (remember Leif? Me neither), Tarzan realizes the girls have the power. But rather than grasp the opportunity to make a Big Move, his game plan is to do whatever the girls tell him to, Troyzan's fate be damned. So what if it will only save him three extra days? Logic has no place with a plastic surgeon named Tarzan who poops his pants in front of the world. Meanwhile, Kim was nervous after Troyzan fingered her as the alliance's ringleader (based on the fact that she is, in fact, the alliance's ringleader) but was still comfortable with her girls alliance. And Troy reiterated his need to win every remaining challenge, for those of us who have been asleep the past couple weeks (so, most of us).
The next morning, the tree mail suggested that the reward challenge would be the type where the winner could select someone to enjoy it with them. Pouncing on that knowledge like the desperate girl who doesn't want to be stuck come prom night without a date, Kat told Kim that she will take her if she wins, NO MATTER WHAT. Kim was a little less eager, stressing the importance of separating Troyzan from the lower rungs of the girls alliance ladder - Alicia and Christina. (Foreshadowing!)
The reward challenge was one of my favorites, where everyone has to vote for superlatives within the tribe and then guess what the majority said. It leads to some funny exchanges - like when Kim correctly guessed that she is the one everyone would most like to be stuck on a secluded island with or when Kat realized that everyone thinks she needs a life wake-up call - but mostly it serves to open the eyes of those clueless lower alliance members. Like, oh I dunno, Christina, who was voted the person least deserving to still be in the game and was Alicia's selection as the biggest poser (although everyone else leaned toward Troyzan).
Other highlights? Kim is the person everyone would most trust with their lives (I'd like to check that again in a couple weeks); Sabrina does the least for the tribe; and Troyzan (in addition to his reputation as a poser) is also the person everyone would least like to see again after Survivor ends. Ouch.
Anyway, Kim won, which wasn't that exciting, and got to take along not one but two tribemates, which was far more interesting. Her first choice was easy: runner up (and alliance flip threat) Alicia. But then Kim ignored Kat's dinner-plate-sized puppy eyes to take...Chelsea. Why? I don't know. Everyone clearly knows that Kat is naive and immature - it's one of our greatest sources of amusement. Chelsea is a big girl who would get why Kim opted to keep their baby sister happy; Kat, not so much.
Almost immediately, Kim realized her mistake (she was helped to that conclusion by Kat's death-laser look and mature "whatever" when Kim tried to apologize). In fact, the whole thing kind of ruined her good time at her picnic with Chelsea and Alicia. Troyzan started doing his part back at camp, telling Kat how she must be one of the lower people in the alliance, how she was a follower who wasn't going to make it to the final three.
Kat, to her credit, realized what Troyzan was doing and tried to get away. But it was too late. This guy had officially set up residence in her brain. Sabrina tried to talk some sense into the tearful girl before returning to Troyzan and asking for more details about his plan to take on Kim. The whole thing was a brilliant ruse to entrap Christina, who, when she realized Sabrina might be up for it, was ALL OVER the plan.
Back at camp, Kim immediately tried to smooth things over with Kat, who first responded with the silent treatment and then outright embracing her anger. It's like freshman year all over again! But Kim was saved from too much trouble when luck arrived in the form of a "wild" pig (I say "wild" because I'm 99% sure the Survivor producers just drop random chickens and pigs into the tribe when things are slow). The group makes the worst possible effort to catch a wild pig, not to mention the fact that I can't picture any of them actually killing, bleeding, and slicing up the pig for food. So now they have a pet. I'm going to name him Boarzan.
On to the immunity challenge, where the competitors have to take part in an elimination-style, one-on-one battle that must have been designed by the makers of Girls Gone Wild. So many pixels. Each person had to slide head-first down a huge slip-and-slide, grabbing roped rings along the way, and then throw those rings at a wooden peg. While Kim made it a two-fer by winning both the reward and immunity challenges this week, the real drama ended in the first round, when Tarzan (!) ousted his name-brother and was welcomed by a group of giddy girls.
Back at camp, with Boarzan chilling out under the tribe sign, we were soon treated to a delightful array of stupid moves. I'd like to blame this on over-hunger, loneliness, and whatever physical and mental fatigue the game of Survivor puts a person through, because it's hard to think these people are able to hold down full-time jobs in the real world. Let's take a look:
1. Kat got mad that Kim is telling her who to vote for (because there are so many options).
2. Worried that Troyzan has a hidden immunity idol, Kim overcomplicated things by having her group split the vote. And instead of doing the logical thing, like splitting it between the two Tarzan wannabes and telling Tarzan to vote for Troy, she splits it between Troyzan and Christina. The same Christina who they've already knocked down a few times in the past few days thanks to Jeff's evil superlatives game.
3. Sabrina TOLD CHRISTINA that she is the second person they are voting for. "But it's cool because Troyzan is the one getting voted out." Yes, Troyzan is, unless he has the immunity idol, and then it's you, Christina. I don't know which one was dumber: Sabrina, for telling Christina the plan, or Christina, for not immediately saying, "Wait a sec..."
4. Alicia estimated Christina's IQ to be a "0" and then likened her to Alicia's special education students. I don't even have kids and I want to pull them out of her school. Have fun going back to work after this, Professor Crazy.
5. Christina approached Troyzan about a flip but her plan is for the two of them to vote off one of the most power girls in the alliance. Now, I was an English major but I'm pretty sure 6 votes > 2 votes. But that's not even the stupidest thing she did. She then TOLD TROYZAN that the girls are splitting the vote and that Christina is who they're voting for! Talk about giving the guy an out! She might as well have said, "Hey Troyzan, I'm a moron. Please vote for me to put me out of my misery."
Despite all this, and despite some razor-tongued comments directed at Christina by Alicia during Tribal Council, there wasn't much Troyzan could do. With his vote, it was still only three voting for Christina, and even with Christina's pointless vote for Chelsea, Troyzan got the remainder and is outta here. But the highlight came when, on the way to bringing Jeff his torch, he leaned over and whispered, "Do it," into Kat's ear and she immediately beamed like the teacher's pet.
What exactly was Troyzan telling her to do? Pull the old switcheroo on Kim? Put poor Christina down like an old dog? Pose for him in an upcoming issue of Troyzan's Swimsuit Beauties? More importantly, what does Kat THINK he meant? Because those could be two completely different things. I'm curious, and judging by the previews, next week looks rife with drama. Finally.
Gazette UMass beat writer Matt Vautour shares his thoughts in this blog about the Minutemen and college sports. E-mail him questions (to be published here), suggested restaurants in UMass travel cities or recommended reading links at: mvautour@gazettenet.com
Jim Pignatiello
Gazette high school sports beat writer, Jim Pignatiello posts online-only content, commentary, athletes of the day and nightly scores. E-mail him questions or recommended reading links at:
jpignatiello@gazettenet.com
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