By AMY PYBUS

EASTHAMPTON -- A few weeks ago on my son's school playground I witnessed some behavior that I found to be unacceptable. I don't usually insert myself into the school culture but I felt this incident couldn't go by unnoticed.

It wasn't possible for me to address the situation in the moment, but when I got home I e-mailed the student's teacher and the principal.

The teacher soon wrote me back that she was taking it to the principal, and he called me later to get more details.

I was very pleased by their immediate and concerned response. However, I admitted to both of them that I somehow felt like a tattletale, and I wouldn't normally do something like that.

It's strange that I, a trained professional who spends a lot of time and energy trying to stop unacceptable behavior, would have this reaction. Why do we as a culture treat the people who report bad behavior like "rats"? Do we all think we're in The Sopranos?

Recently we have become more familiar with the concept that bullying is actually a triangle including the bully, the victim, and the bystander.

When I first ran a training about bullies just a few years ago, this idea was new to many in the audience. The bystander was portrayed as a victim as well as the bully's target.

Many people now feel that the bystander should get involved and stop the bullying. In my experience, this is easier said than done.

In the playground situation I had the luxury of several things. For one, my complaint was filed anonymously so no one involved knows who called the principal. I'm totally removed from the situation and don't have to worry about any retribution.

For another, I'm an adult and was reporting on a child who has no influence over me.

And finally, I don't have to attend this school every day. I can "tattle" on the bully and never have to see her again.

In his wonderful book "Bullyproof Your Child for Life," Joel Haber talks about the ridiculous position in which our children often find themselves while at school. As an adult we can make the choice to avoid a bully.

Our children, who have the least coping skills, are forced to live in close quarters with their bullies every day. Not only that, but there is a potential for them to be left alone with these bullies at many times during the day.

So what can we do to change our collective feelings about and tattling? If we want to increase the importance of the bystander role, we have to differentiate, and teach children how to differentiate, between tattling and reporting.

What we traditionally call tattling is simply a young child's way of trying to get your attention. They want to talk to you but they don't know how to on an adult level.

In their world, you talk to someone by telling them you have Tinkerbell on your shirt. So to start a conversation with a grownup, they have to tell us what's happening in their world.

Of course we as grownups with Really Important Things on our Minds couldn't care less about this news, so we tell them to stop bothering us with it.

It becomes labeled as an annoying behavior and the child feels bad or wrong for trying.

Some teacher friends I've worked with had great ways of deflecting these little invitations. One had a picture of the president on her wall and when a child approached her she would respond, "You better go tell the president!"

Another would say, "Thank you, I'll make a note of that," and write it on a notepad she kept nearby. I have one child who I call my reporter. I tell her, "Thank you for keeping me updated on all this news!"

Just this morning one of the girls wanted me to take action against an aggressor. She told me, "Amy! She scratched me with her long toenails!"

And I have to admit I answered from the heart: "Ew! Gross!"

It is our challenge to help kids realize that we're not going to react every time they tell us something trivial, but at the same time encourage them to report real danger. Then it's up to us to show them that we will handle the situation appropriately, so they can report without fear of retribution.

Anonymity has been the best rule for me. I try to never use the bystander's name when I'm dealing with a bullying issue, and the kids have learned that they can trust me. Actually, the best thing to do is just pretend that you knew it anyway and didn't have to hear it from the bystander. That way they start to think that you really do know everything.

By the way, the teacher at school thanked me profusely for being involved in the bullying incident. She said that teachers can't be everywhere all the time and they don't see everything that happens. She also told me, "we rely on any eyes we can for help."

So I have to say I ultimately felt empowered by the experience. I'm going to try to remember that feeling, as well as a bullying mantra created by the father of a 16-year-old boy who killed himself: See it. Hear it. Stop it.

Amy Pybus, a regular Gazette columnist, lives in Easthampton.