By LYNNE MARIE WANAMAKER
and AMY PYBUS

EASTHAMPTON — A parent’s first job is to keep her child safe. In the beginning it’s a fairly simple, if overwhelming, responsibility. She squalls; you pick her up.

You provide all her basic needs: food, a safe place to sleep, a clean diaper.
We feel a natural protectiveness for our baby. We think, “I never want her to be hurt. I never want her to suffer. I never want her to feel anything but joy and contentment.”

We see that beautiful, new, innocent creature and want to somehow preserve that baby magic.

But things get dicier when that infant becomes a toddler, pre-schooler and big kid. We can try to keep her in that pristine wonderland where all her needs are met by omniscient gentle parents. Or we can start to teach her the skills she’ll need to navigate a world that is not always as safe and magical as we might hope.

We are realists when it comes to our kids. We know the world won’t always meet them with snuggles and rainbows. And we’re realists when it comes to ourselves. We won’t always be there to keep discomfort away from them.

(Lynne Marie Wanamaker, right.) 

And we will lose our minds if we define good parenting as satisfying their every whim. In fact, we might be working against their bigger safety interests.
If we are committed to teaching our kids the skills they need to be safe and successful in the world, we must model effective boundary-setting early.

This means we won’t meet their every need. Instead, we’ll clearly and consistently express our boundaries and expectations.

This can be as simple as using a declarative statement: “It’s time to put on your shoes,” instead of a question: “Would you like to put on your shoes now?” It can be as hard as saying “No” to a 2-year-old in a tantrum.

Our kids are watching us, constantly, with hawk eyes, to learn how to relate to the world.
Our job is to show them that each and every one of us is a valuable being who deserves respect. We must be ready to model this in every aspect of family life.

If Amy gives her son an ice cream because he threw a fit, she teaches him he’ll get a reward for bad behavior.

If Lynne Marie berates her partner in front of her child, she demonstrates that disrespect is OK in intimate relationships. If we are badgered into doing things we don’t want to do, we show our kids that it’s OK to let a bully make choices for us.

(Amy Pybus, right.)

Here’s the secret payoff: a family with calm, consistent parents offering clear boundaries and expectations is a more peaceful family to live in day-to-day.

As we have talked and worked together, we’ve been delighted to discover the ways that building self-protection skills for young children incorporates parenting strategies that improve communication and contentment in the home.

We’re excited to talk to parents about these intersections and how they can teach, model and rehearse effective boundary setting with their young children.

We’re hosting an evening for parents Sept. 28 from 6-7:30 p.m. at the Lilly Library Community Room in Florence to explore these ideas.

There is no fee for the session, but pre-registration is requested. To sign up, send an email message to trainer@compassionateconditioning.com or call Lynne Marie Wanamaker at at 527-8317.
We hope to see you there.

Lynne Marie Wanamaker is a National Women’s Martial Arts certified self-defense instructor. She blogs about the intersection of self defense and parenting at http://blog.mindbodymama.com.

Amy Pybus, an Easthampton child care provider, is a Gazette columnist and blogs at www.sittingonthebaby.com.