Several campaigns have come and gone since I published my Campaign-English Dictionary. Here's a sample:

Third party, n. a political party that runs a politician who isn't a politician favoring policies that aren't policies to please voters who don't vote.

Just sooo '90s, right? But language changes. Nouns become verbs. Verbs get old and mean. And political rhetoric that used to be rational starts raving, drooling, reaching for the nearest hatchet. So with another campaign mauling us, now is the time for my Campaign-English Dictionary, Revised Substandard Version. Here are a few entries.

primary, n. the political process that begins the selection of the world's most powerful leader through a series of bake-offs in Iowa

socialist, n. 1. person who favors big government (archaic); 2. anyone to the political left of J. Edgar Hoover. syn Satan, child molester

diner, n. ordinary eating establishment regarded by candidates and journalists as the oracle of American wisdom

money, n. life-giving elixir of politics. syn speech

class warfare, n. 1. charge leveled by the ultra-rich and their hired hands in Congress to defuse any talk of taxes; 2. the perpetuation of inequality by other means

gun control, n. relic of the '60s all candidates see as political suicide. (archaic)

government, n. collection of public servants dedicated to ruining lives, promoting the general evil, and serving as a handy scapegoat for all problems. syn Big Brother, leech, sinkhole

job creator, n. title given to the ultra-rich for creating hundreds of jobs in the yachting, jewelry and McMansion construction industries

taxes, n. legally required payment to governments for the - CLASS WARFARE! CLASS WARFARE!

Washington, n. Sodom, Gomorrah, hell and Hitler's bunker all rolled into one

elite, n. person better-educated than you. syn egghead, loser, everyone you hated in high school

Tea Party, n. spontaneous political party, bankrolled by billionaires, consisting of people who recently read the Constitution and are committed to the preservation of their freedom and inequality

Moderate Republican, n. see "dinosaur"

progressive, n. occasional voter who prefers principle to politics, polemics to practicality, and the perfect candidate to someone who can be elected

change, n. 1. loose coins left over from a purchase; 2. loose ideas left over from a dream

cynical, adj. having recently watched CNN

defense cuts, n. 1. the third rail of American politics that will electrocute any candidate who touches it; 2. in hard times, the proposed scrapping of a non-functioning tank or bomber still on the drawing board

patriot, n. any loyal, red-blooded American who hates and fears elected officials as much as he loves and trusts unelected CEOs

health care, n. medical services the government provides for the poor and elderly but cannot provide for everyone else because that would be socialism

clueless, adj. having recently watched FOXNews

corporation, n. 1. an association of individuals, protected by law, free of responsibility for group actions; 2. an association of individuals, protected by the Supreme Court, free of campaign spending laws. syn person

attack ad, n. abrasive campaign commercial which turns democracy into a hamburger, truth into hash browns and your vote into a Happy Meal

liberal, n. see "Moderate Republican"

24/7 news cycle, n. media saturation that continually spews sound bites, scandals and silliness choking off all discussion of issues

November 6, n. the day it all ends