EASTHAMPTON - My last column about the Penn State sex abuse case ("Sports legacies vs. the law," Nov. 18) generated enough of a response that I felt the topic needed more attention. It seems many people want to understand more, are curious about how to help and are concerned they wouldn't know how to respond if faced with reporting alleged sexual abuse.

Some readers were upset about the language used by the media - that terms such as "performing sexual acts on" or "sexual assault" can hint at consensual sex, rather than rape. We should be clear that no part of any sexual act performed on or by a child can be consensual.

Many who got in touch pointed out that reporting a predator is easier said than done. Unless we actually see the act being perpetrated, we can be afraid to accuse someone, knowing that if we are wrong, we would severely damage the life and reputation of someone who may be innocent.

And even if we did see it happening, the shock might be enough that we couldn't respond at all, rather than responding the right way. We all have an incredible capacity for denial. We want to give people the benefit of the doubt. No one wants to see a hero or loved one brought down.

Wayne McNeil of Respect Group Inc. says part of the problem is that "people are not given the right tools to deal with the bad people ... to look over their shoulder, see something and say 'that just didn't feel right.'"

The first step is to trust your instincts. Then work on gaining the confidence to know that you could do what needs to be done.

Predators know how to hide in plain sight and rely on others to look away. It is sad to recognize that when a case like this happens, it's often the people we trusted the most. Chronic abusers work slowly to build trust within the family of their victim. They will test to see how far they can go with a child by touching, telling secrets and sometimes shaming or threatening.

They watch to see how the child reacts and if their parents or caregivers will respond.

How do we recognize abuse? The difficult part of recognizing sexual abuse is that many of the symptoms of a child who is being victimized (mood swings, fear, refusal to eat, keeping secrets) are the same ones that can be displayed during any stressful time in their lives. Others are more obvious, such as refusing to get undressed, an expanded sexual vocabulary, refusal to talk about a new friend, viewing themselves as "dirty" or "bad," or engaging in sexual play that is inappropriate for their age. If you have suspicions, keep a journal of your observations and reach out for help from a professional.

Be aware of adults in a position of power who seem to be overly interested in children. Red flags include not respecting personal space or physical boundaries, telling inappropriate sexual jokes or commenting on body development, keeping secrets with and calling or texting the child, giving gifts or always offering to babysit or take the child on outings.

What can we do to help prevent abuse? Talk to kids about what's appropriate. Involve the whole family in the discussion, and be honest. Don't be squeamish because the topic is sensitive. Be open about the names of body parts, what is considered normal sexual behavior and setting boundaries and limits over who is allowed to touch your body and when.

Empower your children. Teach them they have the right to say "no" to any adult who makes them feel uncomfortable. And most importantly, tell them they can defend themselves. Teach them how to fight back or get away from someone who is hurting them.

Children are raised to behave and listen to grownups, and a predator can play on this. Sometimes parents can be complicit in this behavior, for instance by making a child hug an uncle who makes them uncomfortable. If your child shows resistance to being with someone, follow their lead and give them the power to control what happens to their body.

Be careful about your own response when talking to your child about sexuality, especially if and when your child confides in you. Listen attentively without responding in an emotional way. If your response is an overreaction, they may not feel comfortable opening the discussion again. Listen, let it sit, walk away if you have to, and compose a healthy response before returning to the conversation.

Finally, know where to turn if you need help. The Valley-based organization Stop It Now (www.stopitnow.org) has excellent information and resources. Keep your eyes and ears open and follow the advice of professional hockey player (and victim of sexual abuse) Sheldon Kennedy: "Trust your gut." The best way to shine a light on an unspeakable crime is by getting it out in the open.

Amy Pybus of Easthampton writes on family life issues in a column that appears on the second Thursday of the month. She can be reached at opinion@gazettenet.com and blogs at www.sittingonthebaby.com.